A Catablog of Doggerel

Mother Days Poems

2011-02-08T01:33:00.000-08:00

Mother Days Poems as a title may seem flawed but searchers are flawed so I'm going with the flaw.

I bring you a poem in two languages, English UK and English USA and also, in rhyme, I take the time, to explain what determines the dates of Mother Days

Many Countries adopt Mothers Day, per USA
On the second Sunday, in the month of May
But not so, in Ireland and the UK

Mothering Sunday there, is always spent
On the fourth Sunday after the start of Lent
So why, you ask, does Lent move around?
Because Easter need good light on the ground
It's to do with a full moon in the sky
Good light for walking is the reason why
Pilgrims to the holy lands walked at night
They relied heavily on good moon light
So the holy day (Easter Sunday) follows the moon
It's always in the Spring, but can be late or soon

This year, 2011, Mothering Sunday is very late
Sunday April 3rd is precisely the date
So I bring you now a poem for Mother's Day
Is it original? I hear you say. Or nick it, as is oft your way?
I adapted it, well, that's my excuse
But I've made it perfect for Mick and Brit use

So here goes, with the adapted one of the Mother Days Poems

For all the nappies that you've changed.
For all the play dates you've arranged.

For all the trips back and forth to school
For mopping up gallons of vomit and drool.

For putting up with all that swill
You should have all of March..and a bit of April.

One day is just not enough... and yet
I'm sorry, pet, but that's all you get

So spend your special Sunday, April Three
Happily, and very work-free

Because Google will bring this page to the residents of USA, as well as:-

Anguilla
Aruba
Australia
Austria
Bahamas
Barbados
Bangladesh
Belgium
Belize
Bermuda
Bonaire
Brazil
Canada
Chile
China
Colombia
Cuba
Croatia

Curaçao
Czech Republic
Denmark
Ecuador
Estonia
Finland
Germany
Greece
Grenada
Honduras
Hong Kong
Iceland
Italy
Jamaica
Japan
Latvia
Malta

Malaysia
Netherlands
New Zealand
Peru
Philippines
Puerto Rico
Singapore
Slovakia
South Africa
Suriname
Switzerland
Taiwan
Trinidad and Tobago
Turkey
Uruguay
Venezuela
Zimbabwe

here's the original of the Mother Days poems

For all the diapers
that you changed.
For all the play dates
you arranged.

For all the trips
back and forth to school
for cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.

Why is there only
one Mother's Day.
You could have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.

*

So there you have it, Mother Days Poems
For Brits, Yanks and Poms
I hope you enjoy
Should you need it, here's moy

Mother Days Poems or Quotes

Royal Wedding Poem

2011-01-16T17:11:00.000-08:00

This Royal Wedding Poem is a departure for me because, as you regular readers know, I am a search engine tart, that's to say if people around the World aren't searching for such a subject, in huge numbers, then I ain't writing about it.
And yet here am I doing that very thing...because, shame on Britain, they are not searching in significant numbers. Wills and Kate getting married...Diana's eldest son...Going to be King!!!!...wake up Britain

( I'm required to say again Royal Wedding Poem. I'll probably do it again before this post is done. I'll be guided by Google who will eventually rule the Universe

A nice lady found me on Facebook... and asked if I still did personalised poems, which I don't BUT I admired that she tracked me down, it was at a time when I must have been lusting (but didn't know I was) to write in response to personal details and to cut a long story long I agreed to write something for her, for nothing,..and here for you is what I didn't write. What I did write is between me and her and I told her I would publish what I wrote but does she want it blurted out this soon. Probably not, so stay stum
This is on the lines of what I did write...but altered to protect privacy. If you are a best man or a father of the bride or the groom or a best woman for a wedding taking place on 29th April 2011, deliberately, or coincidentally, chosen to coincide with Will's and Kate's wedding, you are welcome to use this material... but, for God's sake, just don't be involved in a Wiltshire wedding
Here's, the generic version of what I wrote

The Westminster Pair and our (Ealing) (chavs and slappers)
Have in common, quite a lot
Three of them’s quite common
And one of them is not

One has special breeding
And boy does it show
Today (Vera) is the princess
But then I’m biased, don’t you know

As (Vera)’s old time friend, I’m Best Woman
I’m nervous, it’s my first time
(At making a speech, you naughty people)
So I’m reading out my little speech
And I’m doing it in rhyme

I’m calling for audience participation
Especially from the drunks out there
When you hear an obvious repeat line (I’ll give you a clue) Emphasise the ‘ate’ sound
Perhaps you’ll give a little cheer

Or, if you’re really, really up for it
Even better, it would certainly be
If you would anticipate, and recite, the line
Right along with me

( I'm required to say again Royal Wedding Poem. I know not why but I'll probably do it again before this post is done. I'll be guided by Google who will eventually rule the Universe

So, here goes:-

Today's a very special day
Isn’t Britain Great?
We've all been given the day off
And… all the pubs are open late (cheers)

For today’s (handsome) (alcoholic) Groom, (Jack),
It’s a double celebration date
His wedding’s good but what floats his boat
Is that… the pubs are open late (cheers)

The whole Country's gone ballistic
There's bunting everywhere
There's gun salutes and cheering
Which is surprising for a (Liverpudlian) pair

Everyone is celebrating
Drinking booze by the crate
Because (Vera)’s finally pinned down (Jack)
And..also
(pause and the audience who will shout 'All the pubs are open late' Then read the actual line
No…Prince William married Kate

Here's to two very happy brides
The beautiful (Vera) and Kate
It's not just the wedding day they have in common
Can you guess?... (audience will say the pubs are open late)
No...It’s a very long and patient wait

Aren’t I a provocative f…f ..female?

Both brides met their future husbands
(10 years ago) (5 years ago) ( A while ago), both by pure chance
Both women had to tolerate
A (longer-than-ideally-planned)…romance or
A(longer-than-necessary-because-he's-such-a-woosy-typically-blokey-blokey-bollocky-non-makey-mindy-up-sitty-on-the-fence-dip-stick-sort-of-bloke)romance

On the whole, (Vera)’s demeanour
Has been surprisingly bright and breezy
Telling folks you’re courting a (Teddy Bear) (Everton supporter) (Welsh twit) (Geordie)
Really can’t be easy

During (Jack) and (Vera’s) protracted courtship
(They managed (twice) to propagate)
(They failed to propagate)
It would have (been more) (happened), but for (Jack)’s excuse
All the pubs are open late

(Beautiful (Sophie) and baby (James)
Are the results we see today
Now that (Vera)’s finger’s got a ring on it
Perhaps more are on the way

I must say the wedding so far has been very good
We’ve been watered and we’ve ate
We can look forward to this evening
Cos…( the pubs are) (the hotel bar is) open late

So, to recap…
In the spring of twenty eleven, (Jack) a (rock star ) (plonker) (wonderfully best bloke in t‘World))
Took (Vera) his (children's mummy ) (sweetheart) (soul mate) for his wife
Good luck you whirlwind romantics
Have a long and happy life

In a moment, we'll raise our glasses
To (Jack), and (Vera), his wife, and my bessie mate
And I'll remind you of this repeatedly happy thought
All the pubs are open late

Toast (Jack) and (Vera)

And to finish off, here’s an out-take from this ditty

Optional extra

Right now, my dance card’s empty
Book now, you won’t have long to wait
You’ll not know what hit you on the dance floor
No, shut up, its not the bloody pubs are open late
It’s…
My husband’s six foot eight

Thank You
Tumultuous Applause, please

**

Here's a poem by Sir Andrew Motion, the Poet Laureate, entitled Spring Wedding marking the wedding of Will's Dad to Camilla Parker Bowles . Note, he has not written about Will's and Kate's wedding...perhaps I should be the Doggerelist Laureate and when Will is King I think I will be...dead

Spring Wedding

I took your news outdoors, and strolled a while
In silence on my square of garden-ground
Where I could dim the roar of arguments,
Ignore the scandal-flywheel whirring round,

And hear instead the green fuse in the flower
Ignite, the breeze stretch out a shadow-hand

To ruffle blossom on its sticking points,
The blackbirds sing, and singing take their stand.

I took your news outdoors, and found the Spring
Had honoured all its promises to start
Disclosing how the principles of earth
Can make a common purpose with the heart.

The heart which slips and sidles like a stream
Weighed down by winter-wreckage near its source -
But given time, and come the clearing rain,
Breaks loose to revel in its proper course.

( I'm required to say again Royal Wedding Poem.

Royal Wedding Poem elsewhere

Twelve Dames of Christmas

2010-11-30T06:02:00.000-08:00

The Twelve Dames of Christmas Die Cut Decoupage produced by La Pashe are being offered at a very silly price here at Twelve Dames of Christmas Special Offer

Here's some poems wot I wrote which you may find suitable for cards you make with these fabulous sheets

A partridge in a pear tree.

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
A partridge in a pear tree
But you probably prefer turkey and stuffing
If you're anything like me

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Two turtle doves

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Turtle doves, two, or if hungry, three
But you probably prefer turkey and stuffing
If you're anything like me

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Three French hens

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
French hens, not two but three
But you probably prefer turkey and stuffing
If you're anything like me

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Four calling birds

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I thought too of sending you some calling birds,
And as they're small, I thought four, rather than three
But you probably prefer turkey and stuffing
If you're anything like me

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Five golden rings

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Five golden rings
But I expect a lady of your refinement
Has drawers full of those things

Suffice that I send Yuletide blessings
Do please enjoy the traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Six geese a-laying

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Six geese a-laying, or oven ready, better yet,
But I know that turkey and stuffing
Is what you usually get

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Seven swans a-swimming

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Seven swans a-swimming, in gravy or sauce,
But I expect you prefer turkey and stuffing
For your Christmas lunch main course

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Eight maids a-milking

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Eight maids a-milking,
But all those uninvited strangers for dinner
Wouldn't suit you, I'm thinking

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve Days of Christmas

Nine ladies dancing,

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

Sending you nine ladies dancing, I expect
Wouldn't be number one in your list of wishes
But howsabout nine ladies cooking Christmas dinner?
And then washing up all the dishes?

But just lazing around all Christmas Day
I expect wouldn't be your idea of heaven
Anyway, have a really super Yuletide
And all the best in Twenty Eleven

Twelve Days of Christmas

Ten lords a-leaping,

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I toyed with the idea of sending you
Ten lords a-leaping,
But all those uninvited strangers at Christmas
Just wouldn't be in keeping
(Would put a dent in the housekeeping)

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Eleven pipers piping,

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I was going to send you eleven pipers piping,
But then I changed my mind
Sending uninvited strangers at Christmas
Just wouldn't be very kind

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Twelve drummers drumming,

When I saw this image of sophistication
Chic, poised, elegant and well to do
Indeed, cultured, suave and stylish
I immediately thought of you

I thought of sending you twelve drummers drumming,
As a Christmas joke, but then
There's enough noise from over excited kids
Not to mention half sozzled men

Enjoy all that the Yuletide offers
Especially its traditional fare
And all the best to you and yours
Throughout the coming year

Wot Not To Put Down The Bog

2010-08-12T02:25:00.000-07:00

I live in a street where the sewerage pipe blocks about twice a year and everyone on that sewerage run shares the cost of clearance each time. The drains were laid badly by the builder 30 years ago and no doubt over the years extra snagging points have developed. However the main cause of the problem is the putting down the toilet of inappropriate things. When the street was full of babies it would have been disposable nappies (diapers). The drain man on the recent clearance said what the main cause of the blockage was so I wrote this poem for all the residents

Men and Menopausal Women
Don't Carry The Can For Blocking The Pan

The drains are clear
So that's good news
When the drain man left
He expressed these views

"It's not all the natural stuff
That clogs and clings
It's the make-up wipes
And those sanitary things"

So, let's adopt The 3P's
It's a new discipline
If it's not pooh, pee or paper
It goes in the bin!

What Not To Put Down The Bog is copyright Jon Bratton 2010

Funeral Hymns for Anne, Mother, Nanna, Sister

2010-05-29T00:18:00.000-07:00

These Funeral Hymns for Anne, Mother, Nanna, Sister have been suggested by Aunt Margaret

There are more suggested Funeral Hymns for Anne here

Funeral Hymns for Anne
28 May 08

Funny Poems Christmas

2009-11-28T01:06:00.000-08:00

Its that time of year again for Funny Poems Christmas. No, I haven't got dyslexia. That's how funny Christmas poems are most commonly searched for

Catherine Masters complained that the Queen sent her the same birthday card each year and this prompted Fred MacAuley who has a newsy chat show on BBC Radio Scotland to discuss how to make an impact when sending Christmas cards.
Olive of Olive Designs, a card maker was on the show to talk about card making and I was invited on as a card verse writer
Should you be so inclined you can listen to the show on here
Radio Show
but below are the two verses I wrote to illustrate how verses can be personalised. The first is a verse that the Queen might pen

As your Queen and Sovereign
It behoves one to say
Arise! On Christmas morning
And have a wonderful day

My husband and I
(And all the Queen's horses and all the Queen's men)
Want your annus to be wonderfulis
In two thousand and ten

(Annus mirabilis is the correct Latin phrase meaning "wonderful year" but that's just not funny. Phillip Larkin wrote...
life was never better than
In nineteen sixty-three
(Though just too late for me) -
Between the end of the Chatterley ban
And the Beatles' first LP.)

At the end of the piece Fred asked for another sample personalised verse which I'm glad to say I had prepared beforehand. This is for a card I shall send to the programme

To the very best Beeb radio show
Merry Christmas MacAuley and Co
May 2010, the year anew
Bring continued success to Fred and crew

More Funny Poems Christmas

This funny poems Christmas blog page is copyright Jon Bratton but of course individuals, including Her Majesty, may use the material for non commercial purposes

Name All 52 States in USA

2009-08-01T00:19:00.000-07:00

Left click the image to enlarge it

As a self confessed search engine tart I seek out common searches which are not well catered for and this one 'Name all 52 states in USA' is a corker. On a daily basis 1200 people want the search engines to find web sites that name all 52 states and quite naturally there aren't many takers.
So guys here I can name all 53...I've even thrown in the State Capitals

Note there are eight starting with M
And none with B or E
And eight starting with N
And none with J, Q, X or Z
(That rhymes if you are North American)

Alabama Montgomery
Alaska Juneau
Arizona Phoenix
There's more, don't you know

Arkansas Little Rock
California Sacramento
Canada Ottawa
I'm sure that's so

Colorado Denver
Delaware Dover
Connecticut Hartford
The list is not over

Florida Tallahassee
Georgia Atlanta
Hawaii Honolulu
We're starting to canter

Idaho Boise
Illinois Springfield
Indiana Indianapolis
What next is revealed

Iowa Des Moines
Kansas Topeka
Kentucky Frankfort
We're getting there. Eurika

Louisiana Baton Rouge
Maine Augusta
Maryland Annapolis
Hang on in there, Buster

Massachusetts Boston
Minnesota St. Paul
Michigan Lansing
And that's not all

Mississippi Jackson
Missouri Jefferson City
Montana Helena
We're sitting pretty

Nebraska Lincoln
Nevada Carson City
New Hampshire Concord
We're still sitting pretty

New Jersey Trenton
New Mexico Santa Fe
New York Albany
I've got more to say

North Dakota Bismarck
North Carolina Raleigh
Ohio Columbus
There's more, don't dally

Oklahoma Oklahoma City
Oregon Salem
Pennsylvania Harrisburg
I knew I could name 'em

Rhode Island Providence
South Dakota Pierre
South Carolina Columbia
We're getting there

Tennessee Nashville
Texas Austin
Utah Salt Lake City
where I once got lost in

United Kingdom, London
Vermont Montpelier
Virginia Richmond
What did I tell yeah

Washington Olympia
West Virginia Charleston
Wisconsin Madison
I'm done but for one

Wyoming Cheyenne
That's almost the last call
52 States
But that's not all

There's one more to name
Before the conclusion
What about all those folk living
In the state of Confusion?

For more click the link
Name All 52 States in USA

This Name all 52 states in USA blogspot entry is copyright Jon Bratton

Names of the Characters in Scooby Doo

2009-07-31T22:49:00.000-07:00

Names of the Characters in Scooby Doo is a frequent search as is 'name all 52 states in USA' and not many sites provide the answer so it falls to me. I'll get back to you on the USA states thing but...

Scooby, Shaggy, Velma, Daphne and Fred,
Is the short answer...but
You need more, so here goes
It's two boys, two girls and a mutt

Scooby-Doo's full name is Scooby-Doo
Norville 'Shaggy' Rogers is Shaggy's full name,
Velma is Velma Dace Dinkley,
And Daphne Ann Blake is the good looking dame

The good looking guy is Freddie
That's Frederick Herman Jones,
Scooby is a Great Dane
That prefers human foods to bones

So that's it. I've satisfied the search. For more click the link

Names of the Characters in Scooby Doo

This 'Names of the characters in Scooby Doo' blogspot entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Flippin Christmas Verses

2009-07-11T00:14:00.000-07:00

These are the original verses for Flippin' Christmas Throne scene. They were condensed slightly on the actual production because of space restrictions

Here's Santa sitting
Having a right good read
Ahead of him is Christmas Eve
A busy night indeed

He's got to visit a billion homes
That's an awful lot to do
He'll have no time for reading
Or sitting on the loo

Hope your Christmas is the greatest
As you relax a little bit
And after all that over indulgence
You deserve a right good sit.

Have a good 'un
And may you be sitting pretty in the coming year.

To see more of the range visit Flippin Christmas Verses at LaPashe

'Flippin Christmas Verses' blogpage 2009

Michael Jackson is Dead

2009-06-25T16:24:00.000-07:00

The World's Greatest Entertainer, Michael Jackson
Is dead
It is said
It is sad
He has died
It can't be denied
But is it suicide?
You decide

For more, click
Michael Jackson is Dead Suicide?,

This Michael Jackson is dead blogpage comes to you from Jon Bratton

Fathers Day Poems from Children

2009-06-18T01:20:00.000-07:00

Here is a short poem from my Fathers Day Poems from Children collection, it being only 3 days to Father's Day

The big corn looked down
And patted the (baby)(little)(young) corn's head
I'm ever so proud
To be a popcorn, he said

I'm so proud you are my Popcorn

Happy Popcorn's Day,

Daddy

from

your baby corn

Jon Bratton 2009

For more, click the link

Fathers Day Poems from Children

This Fathers Day Poems from Children blog page is copyright Jon Bratton 2009 but the material may be used for private non commercial use

Baked Potato Recipe Foil

2009-06-14T01:14:00.000-07:00

Those who know me just know that this is a search engine foible whereby lots of folk search using the phrase, 'baked potato recipe foil' but no one fully satisfies them. So all you folk who want to know the extent to which foil features in the baked potato process here's the definitive answer...it doesn't and it shouldn't and here's why

"Baked Potato recipe foil"
That should read fail
For your potato in foil will boil and spoil
You'll be put in Potato Jail

The foil traps the moisture, you see
It's a mistake
Your potato will be steamed
It's a far better taste, when you bake

So, put the potato in the oven, pricked and naked
That's the potato, not you
To be honest it doesn't matter
So you can be naked too

After 50 minutes, remove
Your naked potato is now bak-ed
Use foil now, if you like, during its 10 minute rest
Then serve it, naked
(Smothered in butter)

Look, if you want to pick up on every innuendo go ahead, cook the potato naked, it's not a problem because there are no hot splashes and if you want to serve it naked covered in butter, no problem because frankly what do you do in you kitchen is a matter between you and the receiver of your smothered offerings
Me? I'm hot and bothered and going for a lie down

Jon Bratton 2009

For more on the subject click the link
Baked Potato Recipe Foil
but if you do, woe betide you

This 'baked potato recipe foil' is brought to you, for free use, and to satisfy a significant but un fulfilled desire

Newcastle United Premiership or Championship?

2009-05-24T05:44:00.000-07:00

It's do or die today for the Toon Army. Newcastle United Premiership or Championship next season?

Hip Hip Hooray
Al's saved the day
He desorves every penny
Of his million quid pay
Now he's var nigh boond to stay
The dug oot's better than Match of the Day

Doom and Gloom
The toon is doon
Ah think ah'll sup some Newcie Broon
Then gan te bed till the next blue moon

For more, click the link
Newcastle United Premiership or Championship?

This Newcastle United Premiership or Championship? blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Mother and Son Poem

2009-05-21T00:33:00.000-07:00

This mother and son poem is a follow up to yesterday's poems about a student son using Father's Day to try to scrounge some money from his Dad. Today he tackles his mother

“Mom, I sent a Fathers Day card to Dad
But he didn’t help at all
I’m a little.., I’m ski.. I’m broke…, Mom
So I thought I’d give you a call”

“OK, sweetie,” says Mom
“The money is on its way
And I’ll send your economics book
Which you left, on your last stay”

“Uhh oh yeah Mom” says son
“Thanks, you really are a friend”
Dad comes home and asks his wife
“OK how much did you send”

"Two checks, one for 20, and the other for 1,000."
"That's 1020 dollars!!!" yelled Dad
"Don't worry hon," Mom said,
“Its really not that bad

I taped the $20 check to the book cover
But put the $1,000 one in between
The pages on Prudent Money Management
That’s in Chapter 15!"

Jon Bratton 2009

This mother and son poem is copyright Jon Bratton. It may be used for non commercial purposes

Father's Day Verses Funny

2009-05-20T00:39:00.000-07:00

This Father's Day Verses Funny blog entry is brought to you in the lead up to Fathers Day next month.
Based on a joke I read somewhere I have written this Fathers Day card poem from a student to his Dad containing sledge hammer subtlety

Dad, $chool i$ really great.
I’m $tudying very hard.
I want for little, well, sort of..
Except, perhaps, a ¢ard
I would love to receive something from you.
About home and Mom and $uch
I am making lot$ of friend$
But I mi$$ you very much
The only reason I made thi$ ¢ard
Is becau$e I want to $ay
You mean $o very much to me
Have a $uper Father’$ Day

Your Loving, Hard up $logger $on.

Image from http://www.dubuque.k12.ia.us/parents/CartoonNO.jpg

The wise father replied

Dear Son,
Your sincere speech did NOt go unNOticed
But it came as NO surprise
And the subtletness of your message
Did NOt escape my teary eyes

I do kNOw that the study of ecoNOmics,
Is to you, interesting stuff
The pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task,
And you can never kNOw eNOugh.

I wrote to my Dad
When I was away at college
My Dad let me kNOw the meaning of NO
And I pass on to you that kNOwledge

Jon Bratton 2009

Fathers Day Poems Funny

2009-05-19T07:12:00.000-07:00

Image from http://www.lindenservices.co.uk/userimages/stihl.jpg

Fathers Day is just a month away
So here's a little ditty

On this Father’s Day, Dad
I hope you are well
Pin back your lug holes
I’ve a story to tell

A lumberjack raised the money
For his son‘s education, he planned
By cutting down trees
Laboriously, by hand

The son bought his father a chain saw
“This will make life easier, Pater”
Then he went off to college
Returning 3 months later

The father had indeed used the saw
But he was now on his knees
He had worked much harder
And had cut down less trees

The son was disappointed
At what he had heard and seen
So he checked the oil and gas
On the chain saw machine

He pulled on the cord
The chain saw roared into action
The son was surprised
At his father’s reaction

His father got a shock
He grabbed his son’s jacket
BLOODY HELL SON, he said
WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT RACKET?

For your Father’s Day present
I thought long and hard
But you’ll understand now
Why I just got you this card

Happy Father’s Day

Jon Bratton 2009

For more, click the link
Fathers Day Poems Funny

This 'Fathers Day Poems Funny' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton but poem may be used for non commercial purposes

How long do you cook turkey breast

2009-05-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

How long do you cook turkey breast is a question asked on the internet about 700,000 times per year so this is a perfect subject for a search engine tart like me to address, so here goes

Roast at 350 degrees for 20 minutes per pound
Should produce meat that will please
But for perfection, use a food thermometer
And cook till the temperature reaches 170 degrees.

Jon Bratton 2009

The best thing to do is cook to temperature. Get a probe thermometer and cook until it reaches 165-175 degrees. It is really hard to tell someone how long to cook a piece of meat because every piece of meat is different and every oven is different and conditions vary. All of these factors contribute to cooking by time being unreliable. Everyone should have a probe thermometer not just for good cooking but for safe cooking

If you want to know more, click the link
How Long Do You Cook Turkey Breast

Cook a Steak and How Long

2009-05-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

Cook a steak and how long?
Is a question asked by 500 people each day
2 to 5 minutes each side
That's it...there's not much more to say

Except this, if 2 minutes, rest it for 5

And if 5 minutes, rest it for 2
Give it 20 minutes if you want it cremated
And show it a match if you want it blue

Jon Bratton 2009

How Long Do You Cook a Medium Steak

This is my guide to steak cooking times. They can only be a guide as it depends on the thickness of the steak. I have based these on a steak that is approximately 2.5cm or 1 inch thick.

Rare: 1-2 minutes per side - rest for 6-8 minutes
Medium rare: 2-2.5 minutes per side - rest for 5 minutes
Medium: 4 minutes per side - rest for 4 minutes
Well done: 5.5 minutes per side - rest for 1 minute
Thicker steaks may require a longer cooking time, and shorter for thinner steaks.

To know more, clink the link

Cook a Steak and How Long

What Does The USA Flag Colors Represent?

2009-05-08T12:28:00.000-07:00

What does the USA flag colors represent?
What do the colors signify?
The American flag is red, white and blue
The question oft asked is why

It's almost an obsessive question
What do the colors mean?
Nothing, they're merely the colors

That on the British Union Jack, are seen

The red is from England's St George's Cross
And Ireland's St Patrick's Cross too
And St Andrew's Cross of Scotland
Gives us the blue

Meanings have been ascribed to the colors
In the Great Seal, used for security
The blue is justice, red is valor
And the white means purity

But to the question, the flag colors
Mean, signify, symbolize what?
The answer is nothing, nada, zip
Zilch, diddly squat

Jon Bratton 2009

To learn more, click the link

What does the USA flag colors represent

This 'What Does The USA Flag Colors Represent' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

American Flag History for Kids

2009-05-07T05:46:00.001-07:00

American Flag History for Kids, unlikely as it seems, is a popular search term and it just screamed out for a poem to be written. The job befell me, though I don't claim to be a vexillologist. But first here's the first stanza of the US National Anthem, The Star Spangled Banner (meaning star covered banner)

Oh, say can you see by the dawn's early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars thru the perilous fight,
O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming?
And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

Here's another little ditty, from where I know not

I love my flag, my country's flag
The red and white and blue.
It has broad stripes and fifty stars,
And stands for freedom, too.

Now here's me poem

The flag of the United States
Is red, white and blue
It has 13 stripes and 50 stars
But this wasn't always true

For its first year as a Nation
USA had no flag at all
Then it got one with 13 stars
Set out in a circle, like a ball

The first official national flag
According to the story
Was approved on June 14, 1777
And nicknamed “Old Glory”

The claim of Betsy Ross is that she
Made, with her own hands, the first flag
If that is true, and it seems to be
She was entitled to brag

In 1795, the number of stars and stripes

Was increased by two
Vermont and Kentucky joined the union
And wanted to be given their due

When more joined, the stars increased
But the stripes reduced back
To represent the 13 colonies
That gave Britain the sack

Two overseas states, Hawaii and Alaska
Were added from afars
So now the Stars and Stripes
Has a total of 50 stars

Jon Bratton 2009

Here's another..the lyrics to a song

Said Washington to Betsy Ross, "A flag our nation needs
To lead our valiant soldiers on to high and noble deeds
Now can you make one for us, to which she made reply,
"I am not certain if I can; At least I'll gladly try."

Chorus:
So she took some red for the blood they shed
Some white for purity,
Some stars so bright from the sky overhead
Some blue for loyalty,
And sewed them all together,
For loyal hearts and true,
And hand in hand as one we stand
For the red, the white and the blue.

Said Betsy Ross to Washington, "Your country's flag behold!"
And through his tear-dimmed eyes he saw the stars and stripes unfold.
Then to his breast he clasped it, and looked to heaven above.
"Oh may it ever stand," he cried, "For rights and truth and love."

Finally, here's a lovely piece
A Toast to the Flag" by John Jay Daly, c.1918

Here's to the red of it;
There's not a thread of it —
No nor a shred of it —
In all the spread of it,
From foot to head,
But heroes bled for it,
Faced steel and lead for it —
Precious blood shed for it,
Bathing it red.

Here's to the white of it;
Thrilled by the sight of it,
Who knows the right of it
But has felt the might of it
Through day and night?
Womanhood's care for it
Made manhood dare for it;
Purity's prayer for it
Kept it so white

Here's to the blue of it,
Heavenly view of it,
Star spangled hue of it,
Honesty's due of it,
Constant and true;
Here's to the whole of it —
Stars, stripes and pole of it —
Here's to the soul of it,
Red white and blue.

If you want to know more, click the link
American Flag History for Kids

This 'American Flag History for Kids' blog page is copyright Jon Bratton 2009. The poem may be used for non commercial purposes

Dinosaurs for Kids

2009-05-07T04:29:00.000-07:00

Dinosaurs for kids is a fairly popular search term. Some of you will know that I am assisting Paul Perro with his lovely http://www.history-for-kids.com/website and I am quoting here a portion of his longer poem on the subject of 'Dinosaurs for Kids'

There was a type of creature called a dinosaur.
Which you do not see any more.
They lived in a prehistoric time,
I’ll tell you about them in this rhyme.

Dinosaurs had tiny brains
But they had ginormous names.
Like triceratops, brontosaurus,
Velociraptor and OhDon'tBoreUs

The tyrannosaurus rex
Was scary, one suspects.
It had lots of big sharp teeth,
And a *ROAR* that just defied belief.

How I wish that I could get
A dinosaur to be my pet.
I would take him into school one day
And everyone would run away.

This will never happen, I realize
For long ago they met their demise.
Fossils are all that are left, it seems,
You can sometimes see them in museums.

This post is a test to see how well or how badly it fares in the Google search engine results page. Paul Perro's webpage is well search engine optimised and yet does not feature on the first ten pages, I suspect because it is a new website and its in Google's so called sandbox. A blog page usually does much better. I'll report back

Click the link for more
Dinosaurs for Kids and other history poems

Goodbye Sad Poems, But Funny

2009-04-28T05:34:00.000-07:00

Goodbye Sad Poems is a popular search, particularly for co-workers who are departing for pastures new, or retiring. I have written many such poems where the goodbye maybe sad but the poem is funny. These were written about very specific people but here I've taken all the generic material and welded it together to produce a poem to apply to anyone...with a sense of humour. If to a teetotaller, take out the verses about drink. It is intended to be read out loud by two people, the black type is good cop and the purple is bad cop

Today)(tonight), we have a change of style

It's a different kind of do

I've cut my eloquent, articulate, smooth and polished speech

That'll save an hour or two

We have for you a little ditty
A farewell and good luck quip
To say goodbye to our dear friend
As he departs this sinking ship

Yes a Co-worker is leaving
It's now sincerity time
To pay him a special tribute
By insulting him in rhyme

Co-workers leaving is always sad
A time for sorrow and grieving
But today we can be happy
Coz it's Charlie Smith that's leaving

I've heard about your ditties
I'm not sure I'm very keen
I just take poetic license
You take liberties, you mean

If you're going to insult my friend
I don't want any part
Oh (Mary)(Bill), don't make a fuss
I'll behave, cross my heart

OK, but no derogatory remarks

Did I not promise just now
No innuendoes or calling him names
Get on, yer silly cow

Alright, it's goodbye to a hard worker

It is a terrible pity

To lose such a staunch member of...

The Skivers and Shirkers Committee

We're saying goodbye to a learned colleague
Who knows that one over the eight is nine
We're bidding adieu to a man of spirit
Who's very fond of wine

We all like to socialise
With a drop of wine or beer
But to us, it's just a pastime
To Charlie, it's his career

Work is a mere distraction
As a respite, it's fine
Between yesterday's binge on beer
And today's excess of wine

Charlie's a very hard worker
Do you really think that's true?
If you tell Mr (Brown) Charlie's leaving
He'll say "Sorry, Charlie Who?

No I'm not having it
We can't treat a friend this way
OK, Clever Clogs
You think of something nice to say

You can always rely on Charlie
When you're in a desperate need
When things are bad but could get worse
They will, that's guaranteed

I remember when poor Charlie (lost that big order)(fell down the stairs) (whatever)
I felt sorry for him, more than a bit
It's something Charlie would like to forget
Yes, that's why I mentioned it

You couldn't have been more insulting

What have you got to say?

I'm very sorry...I'm very sorry

You made me throw all the best bits away

Charlie, take no notice of him
At least I'm on your side
This one here, couldn't have been more insulting
But believe me, Charlie, I tried

I'd like now to propose a toast

To bring this to an end

To Charlie, no longer a co-worker

But still a very dear friend

Jon Bratton 2009
but based on his earlier material

If you want more Goodbye Sad Poems...but funny, click the link

Goodbye Sad poems, but funny

This 'Goodbye Sad Poems, but funny' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009. The poem may be used for non commercial purposes

St Georges Day

2009-04-23T00:04:00.000-07:00

Today is not only St Georges Day but...

Today is St George's and the Bard's Birth and Death day
Have the happiest of days
Just pondering...if he was born and died on the same day
How come he wrote so many flippin’ plays

Jon Bratton © 2007

This next one was written for a specific person…the name has been changed

GOLFER / BIRTHDAY ON ST GEORGE'S DAY / EXOTIC HOLIDAYS

James Drummond Justice Brown
You've reached the big Five 0
And still in shape, despite suppin ale
At 80 shillings a go ....

You occasionally spoil a good walk
Knocking a ball o'er dales and hills
And as a Tory with Healey eyebrows
You really need your acting skills

For Holidays you avoid the madding crowd
From Costa del Sol you'd run a mile
Preferring instead the Orient Express
Or an exotic Western Isle

You're a Noel Coward kind of chap
That's clear from the life you forge
And as a Taurus you share the destiny
Of the Bard and bold St George

Except you're not so much a writer
More a talker, it must be said
and you've never slain a dragon
.... you married her instead!

This was written for a competition. It didn’t win because after I had written it, I realised that the competition had been held the year previous

T'was just after Easter, I was wearing me bonnet
I sat down to write this Shakespearean sonnet
As an Imperial I ne'er shout of centimetres
Iambically speaking, know nowt of pentameters
This sonnet's to celebrate St George's Day
A rare opportunity for me to say
It's ironic, nay verily, more idiotic
That a Palestinian Turk makes me feel patriotic
At the next World Cup, may England prevail
At the Plymouth Arms, may this win me free ale
Jon Bratton © 2007

This is one of a series of silly ditties I wrote for the webpage you can reach by following the link below

Poem For Susan George

It's 23rd April
This card is sent to say
To the hard of hearing and dyslexics
Today's your special day

Jon Bratton © 2007

Click the Link
For more
St Georges Day Poems

Was Shakespeare Gay or Bisexual

2009-04-22T04:03:00.000-07:00

Was Shakespeare Gay or Bisexual?

Look at the earlier portrait of Will and look at this newly discovered one.

Spot the difference?
For all purposes and intents
In the one he's a serious poet and dramatist
In the other, as camp as a row of tents

"In the early sonnets, Shakespeare writes about his great love, who happens to be a young man. While many people assume this to mean that he had a male lover and thus was either gay or bisexual there are others who still believe that his male friend was not his lover but someone who was simply very close to him emotionally "...to read more, click the link

Was Shakespeare Gay or Bisexual

Why is Shakespeare Known as The Bard

2009-04-22T00:56:00.000-07:00

Why is Shakespeare known as The Bard is explained below in me poem but first know this.

23rd April is the birth date and death date of English poet and playwright William Shakespeare.
So, the most famous (possibly) Englishman was born and died on St Georges Day, the Patron Saint of England

"Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them” from Twelfth Night by Shakespeare

William Shakespeare was born and died
On the very same day
Well, he didn’t last very long
I hear some of you say

If he really was born and died
On the very same day
He couldn’t have managed a sonnet
Never mind a 3 act play

Fortunately for us (but not for schoolchildren)
There was 52 years in between
The first 23rd April was in 1564
And the second in 1616

Most of his work was produced
In a 23 year frame of time
Nearly 40 plays and 150 odd sonnets
And poems that don’t even rhyme

Why is Shakespeare known as the Bard?
That's not a title he earns
For that title belongs to The Bard
Scotland's Robert Burns

Shakespeare is The Bard of Avon
That's the river in his town of birth
Bard just means poet
It's Welsh, for what it's worth

Jon Bratton 2009

For more, click the link
Why is Shakespeare known as the Bard or is it Rabbie Burns

This'Why is Shakespeare known as the Bard' blog entry is copyright of Jon Bratton 2009

Queen Elizabeth II Birthday Poem

2009-04-20T11:55:00.000-07:00

Queen Elizabeth II Birthday Poem

21st April 2009

Ma'am, or to use your Official Title,'Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland' it behoves me as the Doggeret Laureate to write a little number for your 83rd Birthday. It goes like this

On this day 83 years ago, Lilibet was born

And it just couldn’t be foreseen
That one day the baby Princess
Would become our Queen

Her uncle would become the King
And have children of his own
And the eldest of those children
Would ascend to the throne

But Uncle Bertie abdicated
And her Dad as King was bound
When he died, Her Royal Highness The Princess Elizabeth
As our Queen was crowned

This is a birthday tribute, Your Majesty
It gives me much pleasure
To say happy 83rd birthday Ma’am,
Our Queen and National Treasure

Jon Bratton 2009

If you want more, click the link
Queen Elizabeth II Birthday Poem

This Queen Elizabeth's Birthday Poem is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Sorry Poems

2009-04-14T01:07:00.000-07:00

Image from http://gleesongleanings.wordpress.com/2008/06/

I'm working on a new website http://www.poem-poetry.com/ and I needed to add a Sorry Poems page. Most people search for Sorry verses or poems when Apology verses or poems would be more appropriate

Here's some of the poems I came up with.

Lets make up and forget.
What I did, I regret

***

It was so stupid what I said
I didn’t mind my Qs and Ps
I’ve won the Foot in Mouth award
Forgive me please

***

If I was a blood splattered runaway lorry
I couldn't feel more sorry
If I was a serial love cheat like Ken or Deirdre from Corry
I couldn't feel more sorry
If I was a mud and slime filled, alligator infested quarry
I couldn't feel more sorry
That's how sorry I am

These light hearted poems are sorry (apology) poems for friends, girlfriend, boyfriend, best friend, husband,wife, boss, teacher etc to say I'm sorry I hurt you, I am sorry to risk our friendship, I am sorry I did or didn't do something. They are poems to apologise, they are not to say sorry for your loss or sorry you are leaving

This Sorry Poems blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009. The poems may be used for private non commercial purposes but not for publishing on a website

Story of Easter for Children

2009-04-08T10:39:00.000-07:00

I wrote Story of Easter for Children because tomorrow is Maundy Thursday when the Queen gives Maundy Money to pensioners. Last Sunday was Palm Sunday and after tomorrow it's Good Friday and then there's Easter Sunday. Kids probably don't know anything other than it's an Eating Chocolate Fest so this is my poem explaining it in rhyme, for this blog of course but primarily as a contribution to the great new website www.history-for-kids.com

Do you know the story of Easter?

Of course you get Easter eggs so yummy
But Easter is about much more
Than just good things for your tummy

It is a Christian Church Festival
Held every Spring
About the death of Jesus...that's bad
And his coming to life again...Good Thing !

Palm Sunday is a week before Easter
It celebrates when Jesus rode into Jerusalem town
On a donkey, which walked over
All the coats that the people threw down

Story of Easter for Children

The people who didn’t have coats
Went to the fields where they found
Palm branches which they spread
All across the ground

These people knew that Jesus was special.
It was like when a King comes to town,
They didn’t have a red carpet
So they laid their coats, and branches down.

Story of Easter for Children

And to this day a donkey is special
Because it carried Jesus with care~
If you look at the back of a donkey
You’ll see a cross is still there

Next comes the day of the Last Supper

Maundy Thursday, when Judas was Jesus’ enemy
For silver money, he betrayed his friend
In the Garden of Gethsemane

Maundy means commandment

Jesus said at the Last Supper“I am your brother

As I have loved you

You must love one another”

The Queen of Britain gives money

Every Maundy Day

To people who are old

And no longer get any pay

Story of Easter for Children

The next day is Good Friday
The day Jesus was crucified
Two days later, on Easter Sunday he said
"I've come back...coz I've just un-died

He didn't stay long with his friends
He didn't die, but rather

He went straight up to Heaven
To join God, which art (who was) His Father

The word Easter comes from Eostre
The name of a Saxon godd-ess
Who found a little bird
In a little bit of a mess

The poor bird couldn't fly
It had lost more than a feather
So the goddess turned it into a hare
To survive the Winter weather

Story of Easter for Children

The hare found it could lay eggs
Which was a very strange thing
So it decorated the eggs and gave them
To the goddess every Spring

If you think that a hare laying eggs
Is so very funny
Remember,
that's why we have Easter eggs
And of course, the Easter Bunny

Jon Bratton 2009

If you want more, click the link

Story of Easter for Children

This story of easter for children is copyright of Jon Bratton 2009

2009-04-08T05:42:00.001-07:00

Myspace Glitter Graphics

Short Easter Poems

2009-04-08T02:09:00.000-07:00

As Easter is nearly upon us I thought I'd bring you some Short Easter poems...just when all your cards have already been sent for this year. I drafted this entry weeks ago and then got busy.This first one was for an Aunt who wanted to send a card to her 20 year old nephew and made a card with an Easter Bunny Girl on the front

You're too old for easter eggs and things

My handsome young nephew

But you're not too young for Easter 'chicks'

So I'm sending one to you

To put a Spring in your step

Jon Bratton 2009

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Chocolate is brown
Happy Easter to you

Short Easter Poems

Easter duck and Easter chick,

Easter eggs with chocolate thick.

Easter hats for one and all,

Easter bunny makes a call!

Happy Easter always brings

Such a lot of pleasant things!

Short easter Poems

Hello yellow

For chicks and daffodils

Playing, swaying in the Springtime breeze

Howdi brown,( not for trees)

But for Chocolate,chocolate...and more chocolate

Pleeeeeeease

This one is for that new breed of people

Child Rearing Grandparents

Mum (Mom) (and Dad) you know I (we) rely on you
Perhaps more than I (we) ought
But I (we) really do appreciate
All your love and support

Have a really lovely Easter
And may all your chocs be beauties
Have a nice long rest before resuming
Your childminding duties

Which I (we) hope you find rewarding
Not in money terms, as such
But knowing that I (we) and the children
Love you very much

Jon Bratton c 2006

***

Happy Norther

Happy Souther

Happy Wester

Got it !Happy Easter

***

Guess who's hop, hop, hopping your way?

To wish you a hap, hap, happy Holiday.

Loaded with goodies made just for you.

It's the Easter Bunny
That's who.

May your Easter be wrapped in happiness .....and tied with love

Want More? Click the Link
Short Easter Poems

This Short Easter Poems blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009
Non commercial use of the poems is OK but not for use on websites

Black History Poems

2009-03-27T10:30:00.000-07:00

This Black History poems blog is another of my contributions for the website

http://www.history-for-kids.com/

It is written from the perspective of a little slave girl in the 1700s living with her father and sister in a slave hut on a cotton plantation in North America

I live in my Pappy's hut
My name is Kizzy Clay
My older sister is Eliza
I'm six years old today

My Mammy died of fever
Eliza's ten, she cares for me
I don't know our exact address

But we live in Slavery

Pappy works in Mr John's fields
Planting cotton and rice
Yesterday, he was whipped
Which wasn't very nice

Black History Poems

The overseer is very cruel
His name is Nathaniel Black
My pappy cannot work today
He's got deep cuts on his back

Oh, I can see Mr John's little girl
Her name is Missy Rose
She lives in the Big House
And wears very nice clean clothes

She's pretty and has white skin
Her mother is also dead
But she has two aunts to care for her
She sleeps in a proper bed

Black History Poems

She has a beautiful pony
Which lives in a stable 6 feet 4
It has its own blankets
And nice clean straw

Our hut is also 6 feet 4
Two families have to share
Its very dark and we sleep on rags
Eliza says it isn't fair

Pappy says his Grandpappy's Pappy
"Was a chief before coming here

Once proud and free, he was enslaved
To live in chains.....and fear

Black History Poems

All the young strong villagers
Were forcefully taken away
Crammed into sailing ships
Bound for the USA

Many died on the way
A ship sometimes would sink
Or they died through lack of medicine
Or not enough to drink"

Pappy says his Grandpappy's Pappy
Arrived very much alive
He was a strong healthy 20 year old

He died, broken, at 35

Black History Poems

Pappy says that one day
All slaves will be free
We'll get a President who believes in it
Just you wait and see

Pappy says he has a dream
That a King will come one day
And they'll listen very carefully
To all he has to say

He says that he has a dream
That blacks and whites will live as one
Living free, in a proper house
Just like Mr John

Black History Poems

He even dreams that maybe

There will come the day
When a black man becomes the President
Of the USA

Eliza says he's crazy
Or that's how it seems
But she says when life is very hard
A man should have his dreams

Black History Poems

One day, perhaps, a little girl
Will have a story read
By her Pappy, before she goes to sleep
In her proper bed

But until then, I'll be content
What will be, will be
Nighty night I must go
There's a dream that waits for me

Jon Bratton 2009

Clink the link for more

Black History Poems

This 'black history poems' blog page is copyright jon Bratton 2009

Poems Containing Metaphors, Onomatopoeia, Alliteration, Assonance

2009-03-26T09:21:00.000-07:00

If you came here just for examples of onomatopoeia
click this link
Onomatopoeia Poems

Paula’s hair looks like rats’ tails .

Oh that’s a simile
Esther estimated every elevation.

That’s alliteration, clearly
Ian’s head is a shed.

Call that a metaphor, my dear
All at once, whoosh, went the wind

Love that alliterative onomatopoeia

Dave is occupied in the wash room.

Euphemism, is what’s been penned

Verily I say, O wet pet

Is an odd ode spoke to a soaked sole friend
Could that be assonance just then and can the whole

Epigram, with imagery be acrostic in some way
So that’s all the POETICAL DEVICES , there’s nothing more to say

Jon Bratton 2009

For more, click the link

Poems Containing Metaphors Onomatopoeia Alliteration

The image is from http://www.instantdisplay.co.uk/alliteration.PNG

This 'poems containing Metaphors, Onomatopoeia, Alliteration, Assonance' blog page is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Boudicca Warrior Queen of the Iceni

2009-03-22T01:46:00.000-07:00

Here's another poem I wrote for the new website

http://www.history-for-kids.com/

which compiles (bedtime) stories, written in rhyme, about events in history as a resource not only for parents but for teachers as well

Boudicca Warrior Queen of the Iceni

Tonight’s (Today's) story is about a queen
But not a fragile little flower

In fact a tough brave woman

The first with Girl Power

Britain has produced many warriors

Men who fought to keep Britain free

But here’s the story of Warrior Queen Boudicca,

A famous name in history

She had great intelligence

In the opinion of some

She was tall, fierce faced and harsh voiced

And had red hair, right down to her bum

She wore a large golden necklace,

And multi-coloured tunic, and cloak

She led an uprising of the tribes

Against the Roman folk

Here’s why. Her husband, the King
Promised the Romans half his wealth and land
But when the King died
Things didn’t go quite as planned

Normal Roman practice
Regarding allied kingdoms applied
The kingdom became the property of Rome
When the current King died

The Romans took everything
When they came one day
Treating nobles as slaves
And acting in a very brutal way

The Britons were appalled
And thought the Romans had cheated
Also Queen Boudicca and her Princess daughters
Were badly mistreated

When people behave badly
That simply isn’t right
And the one who feels cheated
Is ready to fight

Queen Boudicca was furious

She had never been angrier

So she created an Iceni Army

Based in East Anglia

The Trinovantes, the neighbouring tribe
Also wanted to get rid

Of the Romans, who must be punished

For the awful thing they did

So they joined forces,
Led by the Queen
In, perhaps, the biggest army
The Britons had ever seen

The Druids in Wales revolted

This made the time right

While the Roman Governor was distracted

Now was the time to fight

Boudicca’s army was successful
With victories at Colchester town

St Albans and London

Which they completely burnt down

But when the Roman Governor returned

The Britons suffered a huge defeat

Beaten by the professional Roman Army
At the Battle of Watling Street

80,000 Britons were killed
Boudicca managed to survive

But she took poison so the Romans

Couldn’t capture her alive

She lives on in our memory
A bronze statue can be seen
In London, of brave, bold Boudicca
The mighty Warrior Queen

Jon Bratton 2009

If you want to read the story as a comic book...I recomment it, click the link

The story of Boudicca

If you want more poems, click the link

Boudicca Warrior Queen of the Iceni which takes you to a poem by William Cowper

or if you're really brave try reading

Alfred Lord Tennyson

And here's another Boudicca poem

This 'Boudicca Warrior Queen of the Iceni' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Spring has Sprung...while we slept

2009-03-21T00:58:00.000-07:00

Historically spring starts on the day of the vernal equinox, which usually occurs on the night of 20/21 March. That was last night

Here's the famous Spring in the Bronx ditty that people all over the Northern Hemisphere English speaking world say at this time of year

Spring has sprung, the grass is ris,
I wonder where the boidies is
The boid is on the wing,
How absoid
The wing is on the boid!

It must be assumed that this is by Author Unknown..it is not Ogden Nash as is often alleged. Listen up allegators, Ogden had all his stuff published starting with

Spring Comes To Murray Hill
Ogden Nash

which goes

I sit in an office at 244 Madison Avenue
And say to myself
You have a responsible job havenue?
Why then do you fritter away your time on this doggerel?
If you have a sore throat you can cure it by using a good goggeral etc

He doesn't mention Spring but he does say

Oh, if I only had the wings of a bird
Instead of being confined on Madison Avenue
I could soar in a jiffy to Second or Third.

It is alleged Ogden Nash wrote

Spring has newly sprung
the hills are full of grass
and along comes a billy-goat
sliding on his overcoat
down the summer pass

but I don't think so. It doesn't sound Nashy enough to me. Now this sounds Nashy

Spring is what winta
Always gozinta.

Walking along the 4th fairway at my golf club the other day 'Spring has Sprung' popped into my head, as did this

The horse is on the hoof

Nonsense, of course
The hoof is on the horse
Jon Bratton 2009

Here's another variation on the theme

Spring has sprung, the grass has ris’,
I wonder where the birdie is?
There he is up in the sky,
He dropped some whitewash in my eye!
I‘m alright, I won’t cry,
I’m just glad that cows can’t fly!

~ Author Unknown ~

And another

Spring has sprung,
The grass has riz,
I wonder where the flowers is

And one more

Spring has sprung!", said the bumble bee.
"How do you know?", said the old oak tree.
"I just saw a daffodil blooming on a windy hill!"

Want more?

Spring has Sprung while we slept

This 'Spring has Sprung...while we slept' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Roman Baths, Aqueducts, Engineering n things

2009-03-20T10:54:00.000-07:00

Still on the subject of creating fun and learnable history for kids, as is the mission of

http://www.history-for-kids.com/

a website in the course of construction and which has commisioned me to write some contributions, my piece today was inspired by two gems I was reminded of /came across

a) the bit of script in the Life of Brian which goes something like this"All right... all right... but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order... what have the Romans done for us?"
and b) a funny piece of doggerel by an Australian who explained why the whole World ended up with railway carriages that run on tracks four feet eight and one-half inches wide. (The Stephenson Gauge or Standard Gauge)

Here is my poem

What the Romans Did for Us

Next time you're on a train

Notice how long and skinny they are

They're not much wider

Than your Daddy's car

You have to use a calendar

Because trains are thin

If you don't book a seat

They'll just not let you in

The Romans gave us our calendar

Which is very handy, coz
Without dates, you wouldn't know

When your birthday was

If you look out the train window

You might see tall arches over deep valleys

That's a Roman invented aqueduct

It's water that it carries

And if you're ill through overcrowding

Because the trains are thin

Say thanks to the Romans

For they brought us medicine

And the train will be safe from robbers

(Coz they're now all running banks)

For our system of law and order

The Romans deserve our thanks

If you're travelling in the Winter

You'll be cozy on the train

Because of the central heating

We can thank those Romans again

If you're travelling in the Summer

Thank the Romans for this too

For without the baths they invented

We'd all be Stinky Poo

If from the window, you see cars

And trucks with heavy loads

They'll be travelling fast and straight

Along what once were Roman roads

And in giving thanks to the Romans

Gratitude is what we say

Why, even that word is Roman
As are many, we speak today

And do you know why trains are skinny

Why they're not very fat

Well, we can blame the Romans..yes blame

We can blame them for that

Trains were made thin

To match the tramways in the street

They kept them the same width

To keep everything neat

The tramlines were that size

Because of the covered wagons before

They already had the manufacturing jigs

And they didn't want to make more

Image from http://sabbah.biz/mt/images/jerash033fb.jpg

The wagons were that size

To match the ruts in the roads

Caused by the Romans with their chariots

Carrying heavy loads

The chariots were that size

Not very wide

To attach the shafts to two horses

Running side by side

The Romans should have used animals

Like an elephant or hippo or bull

If they'd had much bigger bottoms

Our trains wouldn't get so full

So next time your train arrives

And it's already full when it comes
Say loudly "All right... the Romans give us sanitation, roads, aqueducts,blah..blah...
But they should have used animals... ...with much bigger bums

Jon Bratton 2009

Links

Graeme King's poem about the width of trains

For the Romans in Britain...a poem in 40 words, click the link

Roman Baths, Aqueducts, Engineering n things

This 'Roman Baths, Aqueducts, Engineering n things' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.

This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Hadrian's Wall Poem W H Auden

2009-03-19T02:42:00.000-07:00

Dawn at Housesteads Fort. Early morning in Autumn 2006. Photo: Joan Thirlaway.

As a Hadrian's Wall poet, myself...since Tuesday gone, I'm delighted to be in the company of W H Auden who wrote 'Roman Wall Blues' and like me, mentioned the dodgy weather in bleak Northumberland.

Hadrian's Wall is the description most used all over the World to describe this edifice but I live near it and I can tell you that most folks round here call it the Roman Wall.

When I came across this poem by W H Auden who I thought was American I was surprised with the title...but I now know that Auden was born in York and in his formative years he attended a school in and around the Pennines.

Per Wikipedia "...his visits to the Pennine landscape and its declining lead-mining industry figure in many of his poems..." Rookhope is a former lead and fluorspar mining village in County Durham, in England. It first existed as a group of cattle farms in the 13th Century. It is situated in the Pennines to the north of Weardale and it is here that Auden realised he wanted to be a poet. So that nicely explains why his poem is entitled Roman Wall Blues and not Hadrian's Wall Blues

And speaking of 'Blues', a word he clearly likes, I know of Auden because of his "Funeral Blues" ("Stop all the clocks") which was read aloud in the film Four Weddings and a Funeral(1994). He also wrote Refugees Blues. It is likely that all these were originally written as blues song lyrics rather than poems per se

Anyway, here is the poem

Roman Wall Blues

Over the heather the wet wind blows,

I've lice in my tunic and a cold in my nose.

The rain comes pattering out of the sky,

I'm a Wall soldier, I don't know why.

The mist creeps over the hard grey stone,

My girl's in Tungria; I sleep alone.

Aulus goes hanging around her place,

I don't like his manners, I don't like his face.

Piso's a Christian, he worships a fish;

There'd be no kissing if he had his wish.

She gave me a ring but I diced it away;

I want my girl and I want my pay.

When I'm a veteran with only one eye

I shall do nothing but look at the sky.

W. H. Auden

This 'Hadrian's Wall Poem W H Auden' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

History for Kids

2009-03-17T08:29:00.000-07:00

My nephew has just started a website called, and about, History for Kids which he uses to showcase his growing collection of bedtime stories, written in rhyme, and about aspects of history from the birth of the moon to men on the moon. What a lovely idea. The kids love 'em and they don't even realise they're being educated. Having written them he's presenting them to the World as a free (for non commercial use) resource to Mums (Moms) (Mams) and Dads and teachers

The beauty of writing in rhyme is that it is fun, light hearted and memorable. Because, as you know, I'm a doggerel writer myself he invited me yesterday to make a contribution which was very opportune because I knew I'd have a few hours to kill while I hung around hospital waiting rooms as my 84 year old mother went through a series of checks which involved, and I'm speaking in medical jargon here, putting delicate instruments into delicate places

So I wrote a history for kids poem. Being a Geordie I wrote about our UNESCO World Heritage site, Hadrian's Wall, a bit of which is pictured. So here goes

In 43AD
That's a long, long time ago
The Romans invaded Britain
Which is awful...isn't that so?

They took over England and Wales
They didn't want Scotland at all

And to stop the Scots from stealing the sheep
They built a very big wall

It stretched from the Solway Firth in the west
To the River Tyne in the east
A 70 mile wall would need lots of stones
40 million at least

History for kids Hadrian's Wall

The Emperor was in charge of the work
Hadrian was his name
He probably built lots of things
But his wall gave him lasting fame

It took 6 years to build the wall
There were no fancy machines back then
They needed hundreds of horses to pull the carts
And thousands of working men

And every mile they built forts and turrets
That were very tall
So the soldiers could see any Scotsmen
Trying to climb the wall

History for Kids, Hadrian's Wall

The wall lasted throughout the Romans' stay
400 years, altogether
I wonder why they stayed so long
It couldn't have been the weather

It was 40 years after the Romans left

That the Britons again had to fight
Because the Saxons came from Germany
But that's a story for another night

That the wall was very strong
Would be fair to say
It was built nearly 2000 years ago
And it still stands today

History for Kids, Hadrian's Wall

Indeed, from all around the World

Tourists make a call

To the north end of Britain
To see the famous Hadrian's Wall

As now as you go to sleep
Think about this great wall
And wonder if this was the place
Where Humpty had his great fall

Jon Bratton 2009

Want more, do you think?
Then just click on the link

History for Kids

This History for Kids Hadrian's Wall poem and blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009. Parents and teachers are welcome to use it for non commercial purposes and it may be used by www.history-for-kids.com who inspired its writing

Making Money Online

2009-03-16T03:50:00.000-07:00

Image from http://www.britishrecycledproducts.co.uk

I love making money online
Money to spend and to keep
The money I love best of all
Is the money I make as I sleep

I have just created two pages on my main poems website which promotes the web host I use because I may make some commision but mainly because I have become evangelical about making money from websites. In these difficult times it is very comforting that my wwwebsites work 24 hours per day, 168 hours per week.

If you google 'making money online' you'll be presented with a host of schames... oh look at that Freudian typo. I meant to say schemes and it came out scams

In the blurb I have written on verses4cards I've been brutally honest about how much work I put into building my websites but I've also been candid about the money that can be made by putting Google Ads on each page.

Building a website is a bit like building a round selling say kleeneze. You do all the hard work and you make money, by doing nothing else if you build a website and by selling things to your customers by keep going to see them, if you built a round. If you didn't have to keep seeing the customers you could build another round and then another.

I've now got two websites and three more under development plus this blog

Americans who crave working from home...and not having a boss...see $3,000 per month as the point they would happily kiss the boss goodbye and that's the figure I've now passed and which I target in my explanation

If you're curious to know more click this link Making Money Online to see my explanation and here. to go to my About Me page which also gives data.

I'm writing this now partly because the web host I use is running a Spring Special where the price is is a third of what it normally is, but to be honest it was only a matter of time before I became evangelical to you guys

This 'making money online' poem and blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Mothers Day Poems

2009-03-15T17:02:00.000-07:00

Mothers Day Poems

I didn't write 'em...I gathered 'em ...for you

This first one is for a Deceased Mother

If I could have just one wish

And never have another

It would be to have 5 minutes

And spend it with my Mother

I would tell you how I miss you

And wish that you could stay

Just to see your face again

On this, your Mothers Day.

Mothers Day Poems

Love, trust, friendliness and courage
are some of the lessons you taught me.
What a great start you gave me in life.

Have A Very Happy Mother's Day!

***

You show your love in little ways --
In warming smiles and words of praise,
In things you do to brighten days...
You always show you care.
You show your love by hurts you ease,
By giving such fond memories,
But Mother, more than all of these...
By always being there!

Have A Very Happy Mother's Day!

***

A Mother's Day wish
That is warm and sincere
For someone who's always
So sweet and so dear --
Here's hoping you find
That with each passing day,
The best things in life
Will keep coming your way!

Mothers Day Poems

It takes somebody special
To listen and to care,
To encourage and inspire
And to show she's always there...
So I hope that you'll remember,
Each day the whole year through,
You're someone very special
And you always will be too

***

Thanks for all you've done for me,
And all that you still do.
Thanks for being patient
And so understanding too...
Thanks for all the help you give
And all the joy you bring.
On Mothers Day, just want to say,
Thanks for everything!

Mothers Day Poems

Of all the special joys in life
The big ones and the small.
A mothers love and tenderness,
Is the greatest of them all.

***

I hope you like

More
Mothers Day Poems

This 'Mothers Day Poems' blog entry is mine, copyright Jon Bratton 2009, which is cheeky because I just found them..but build a bridge...get over it

St Patricks Day Poems

2009-03-12T02:13:00.000-07:00

This wonderful image is from
http://www.wondercliparts.com/holidays/st_patricks_day/

Well worth a visit

Next Tuesday is St Patrick's Day so the search has started for St Patricks Day Poems. Here's one I've just penned

Ah, Good Luck te ye, Good Luck te ye

Here's some words I'm urged to say

Leprechauns, shamrock and rainbows
And have a happy St Paddy's Day

More words.. New York, mind me harp
Green hats, for sure and green beer too
And drinking gallons of Guinness
It's the law, it's what you've got to do

Top o' the morning to you
From the bottom o' me heart

Erin go Bragh
(Ireland Forever)

Jon Bratton 2009

Here's poem #2 in my St Patricks Day Poems collection

Wear a big hat

But it must be green

Drink some Guinness

It's March Seventeen

Jon Bratton 2009

If you want more, click the link

St Patricks Day Poems

This 'St Patricks Day Poems' blog is copyright Jon Bratton 2009. Individuals may use the poem for non commercial purposes

Wedding Poem from Bride to Groom

2009-03-11T02:38:00.000-07:00

This fabulous image is from http://www.aaronphoto.co.nz a fantastic photographer with a unique style. The big white frock looks like a flower

This Wedding Poem from Bride to Groom has been on my Verses4Cards site for a few years but it's sorta buried amongst many other wedding poems so I thought I'd give it a higher billing. Until the last line, the poem reads as if it is from anyone..the groom's parents, the bride's parents, the best man, a well wisher. I just love the word 'frock'

(Jeremy) have a lovely day

As you enter Paradise

Look out for the girl in the big white frock

You'll find her very nice

Take your place by her side

Squeeze her hand with a loving touch

Say "I do" and she will too

For she loves you very much

She knows that you love her too

And that you'll always be her rock

This card, it comes with the fondest love

From the girl in the big white frock

Jon Bratton c 2005

Want to read another? Click the link

Wedding Poem from Bride to Groom

This 'Wedding Poem from Bride to Groom' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009 but brides are welcome to use it. Website publishers may use it, with permission, and credit must be given
jon@jbratton.com

Funny Mothers Day poem

2009-03-10T02:32:00.000-07:00

As it is only 12 days to Mothering Sunday, I thought I'd bring you this funny mothers day poem that I wrote a few years back

Today, just think...

You're on a luxury vacation
At the finest accomodation
With the highest recommendation
Getting utmost consideration
Enjoying sparkling conversation,
Heavenly recreation,
Pure sensation,

Beauty preparation

Relaxation

And pamperation
( if that's not a word, it ought to be)

Without limitation

Throughout the entire duration

Of this exotic situation

You've got admiration,

Nay, adoration

And unadulterated sophistication

In my estimation

For Mothers Daytion

You need stimulation

And imag-e-nation !!

A very Happy Mothers Day,
From one dreamer to another

Jon Bratton 2006

For more click the link

Funny Mothers Day poem

Mothers Day Quotes

This funny mothers day poem blog page is copyright Jon Bratton 2009. Feel free to use the poem for personal non commercial use. It may not be used by website publishers. Images are courtesy of www.lapashe.com

Themed Verses suitable for Flippin' Women

2009-03-08T14:06:00.000-07:00

Flippin Women verses are the intellectual property of La Pashe, the creators of Flippin' things so here I've created a Woman of Reflection, albeit using their very fine flippin product.

Anyway, I'm not here, as a Flippin' Cardmaker, tho' I did make this card, but as a poet so here goes with the verse to go with this card, which you may copy, if you like (the card and the verse)

It's your birthday, once again
That's another year gone
A time, perhaps, for reflection
But hold it...

...put some lippy on

Put on a bit of slap
And don a pretty frock
Come on girl, kickstart your day
And make your whole birthday rock!!

This 'Flippin Women Verses' blogspot is copyright of Jon Bratton 2009. Cardmakers, feel free to use it...website publishers, just dare!!

80th Birthday Poems

2009-03-05T02:34:00.000-08:00

This is a poem I was requested to write as a tribute on the 80th birthday of an Irish Mother of 7 kids. For the most part the names have been changed to retain anonymity. I've introduced it now because, with just a few tweaks, this would be ideal as a joint Mother's Day Poem from the whole family

80th Birthday poems..verse 1

As it's your 80th birthday

Let's face it, Mum, you're old

We all agree that it's time

You had your story told

First you had a little girl

And you called her Joanne Marie

Then twins, James and Patrick

And already you had three

Like Oliver Twist you wanted more

So who was next to arrive

More twins Sean and Jackie

The number's up to five

By now the stork was worn out

On more he wasn't keen

As encouragement you gave him a Pat

Then along came Eugene

Of course Eugene says he's the best

You'd produced six times before

But in truth the stork took a look at him

And said "That's it ..no more"

You've been a busy lady

For life, you had a thirst

Giving your all for your kids

And you always put us first

But now that you've reached eighty

You're content and so serene

This comes with love from Helen

And Sharon and Eugene

And your whole extended family

On your birthday have a ball

Ruby, you're a treasured gem

So precious to us all...

For growing old jokes there's many out there, starting at turning 40, then 50th, 60th and 70th.

Few of them go quite as far as this one in decrepitness. I have adapted it from a piece written by Author Unknown

80th Birthday Poems...verse 2

There's quite an art to falling apart
As the years go by,

And life doesn't begin at 40.
We both know that's a lie.

Our hair's getting thinner,
But our waists are not
The few teeth we have
Are beginning to rot.

We smell of Vick's Vapourub,
Not Chanel Number 5

Our doggedness is the only thing
That's keeping us alive.

When asked of our past,
Every detail we'll know,
Except what we were doing
Just 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea,
What more can I say?
Why not read the obituaries
Like you do every day

If your name's not there,
You'll once again start
Perfecting the art
Of falling apart

I'm able to say this
As an old friend, to you
A very, very old friend

Who's falling apart too

Despite only having half a heart left
These birthday wishes I send
Not at all half heartedly
All the very best, my dear old friend

For more getting old jokes, poems click on this link

80th Birthday Poems Jokes

This '80th Birthday Poems' blog is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Top 50 Crafters

2009-03-04T14:57:00.000-08:00

Top 50 Crafters is an organisation I have never felt at home with. I run several UK craft sites but Top 50 crafters only allow some. That's fair enough, but they never have the good grace to say sorry, you're not suitable, etc..they merely silently don't list you, leaving you in the doldrums.
For that reason alone I oft considered removing their adverts from my sites and not bothered to tell them. I've now done that and have told them. www. verses4cards.co.uk and www. love-of-poems.com are no longer listed on Top 50 Crafters

So, on the day that our Prime Minister talks to the USA about the dangers of protectionism and the benefits of the World acting as one, for the benefit of all, Top 50 Crafters, in their misguidance have decided to only include traffic from UK visitors effectively, overnight, downgrading all the most efficient UK companies who draw their traffic from the UK predominently but also( and who in their right mind would not want to seek traffic) from USA and beyond (Top 50 Crafters have never counted traffic from other English speaking areas of the World eg Australia, Canada, New Zealand, South Africa etc and huge sub continents who seek English language stuff eg India)

Their current tag line is 'Top50 Crafters is the definitive list of Craft sites in the UK' Oh really? Where are Hobbycraft, Docrafts, Craft Creations?
This is a company whose main line of work is about selling you a www site. The first w stands for World. In my view if you're seeking the World, avoid perochial

Mothers Day Verses

2009-03-04T00:31:00.000-08:00

In the lead up to Mothering Sunday this is a tribute I wrote many years back to a wife and mum who was born in 1953, forgets to water the house plants, is a keen reader and cuts the family's hair

For your birth, they held street parties

The whole country just went mental

T'was in '53... the Queen was crowned

But that was incidental

You drink in TV movies

You've a thirst for books, that's true

Our house plants know the feeling

For they get thirsty too

Having an in-house barber

We think is very good

We save some dosh...and we don't mind

The occasional sight of blood

But your love of Jane Austen books

Gives us our greatest fear

While you cut our hair, steeped in Pride

You might Prejudice our ear

But enough of all these insults

For now the time has come

To tell you that we love you

You're a special wife and Mum

For more Mothers Day Verses

Mothers Day Quotes

This 'Mothers Day Verses' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Funny Mother Poem

2009-03-03T23:55:00.000-08:00

Ahead of Mothers Day, I've dug out this ditty..a funny mother poem...and by that I mean a funny poem about a mother which I wrote decades ago about a lady who was a keen cyclist and tennis player who often lost her keys and was always late. It is a good example of looking for a theme and when I learnt that she was a cordinator in the prison service who often lost keys and was late the theme was established. It was just a bonus that she was born in September and was called June. The caricature that went with this poem was of her on a unicycle playing tennis

Isn't it Odd?

This is a special Mother's Day tribute

And we really hope to please

But isn't it odd that a prison worker

Should keep mislaying keys?

And isn't it odd that a co-ordinator

Should be always late, not soon

And that a girl born in September

Should have the name of June?

Isn't it odd, since she likes tennis

That she hasn't had this thought

To combine the game with cycling

To help her round the court?

But it's not odd we love her

When all is said and done

She's a lovely caring person

To a husband, daughter, son

For more examples of a Funny Mother Poem

Mothers Day Quotes

This 'Funny Mother Poem' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009. Individuals are free to use it in whole or part for private non commercial purposes. It may not be used by website publishers

Poem Starting Roses are Red

2009-02-27T15:54:00.000-08:00

Albeit Valentines Day is over, a poem starting roses are red is still appropriate because love poems transcend 14/02 or 02/14, and, tonight, on QI, Stephen Fry mentioned a poem...or is it just a couple of lines?... which went " "Won't you come into the garden? I would like my roses to see you." ~ Richard B Sheridan.

Isn't that romantic?

I am, truly, a romantic, and a search engine tart, who's been recently courting the Valentine trade. I've just done very well with a blog entry using the plural of Poem Starting Roses are Red and it's fair enough that I've exploited the plural by bringing you the singular as I present just a single verse. This is it

My beautiful roses are red
My gorgeous violets are blue
I invite you to my bed...
...of flowers
So they can admire you

Jon Bratton 2009

Now if you want to see more actual valentine messages, click on the link

Poem Starting Roses Are Red

This 'poem starting roses are red' blog page was inspired by Sheridan but copyright of me

Jon Bratton 2009

Wedding Ceremony Humorous Readings

2009-02-24T23:56:00.000-08:00

http://loloud.wordpress.com/2008/11/19/life-after-marriage/

Over the years I've written many wedding ceremony humorous readings in rhyming form which tend to 'roast' the couple, collectively and individually and finish off with nice stuff. It is difficult to write something that applies to all couples but parts can apply to most people

For example

Will you (Samantha) buy an expensive dress
That costs more than a week's wages
Hide it, and when (Alan) asks if it's new
Say 'this? no I've had it for ages'

Will you (Alan) leave up the toilet seat
According to Man's sacred law
And do you promise always to leave the wet towel
In a heap on the bathroom floor

A common theme in Wedding Ceremony Humorous Readings is how long it took the Groom to propose

Congratulations (Samantha and Alan )
On this your wedding day
Would it happen this Millennium?
We've heard some cynics say

He acted like greased lightning
Dynamic, you know the kind
(9) years is all that it took
For (Alan) to make up his mind

Let's face it, (Sam) wasn't choosey
She admits it to herself
No spring chicken she feared that she'd
Be left up on the shelf

Wedding Ceremony Humorous Readings continue with a bit about each...this is very specific to the people involved but here's stuff that could apply to most

Despite major differences
The pair found common ground
For example, his (big bum) matches her (big nose)
Or is it the other way round?

They share a love of (foreign hols)
They're (XYZ) and (AB) fans
Love flourished and so the two of them
Hatched their wedding plans

While (Samantha) thinks of kissing
When (Alan's) lips are pursed
His mind is on a can of (Bud )
To quench his prodigious thirst

(Samantha's) dad dropped lots of hints
Your own love nest would be nice
And eventually they moved to (Brentwood Street)
(96), to be precise

And there they started begatting
And all that luvvy dovey stuff
They must have been good coz in no time at all
(Samantha) was up the duff

Along came young David and James
To make their family complete
Or is it? Who knows what'll happen
The honeymoon starts toneet!

Wedding Ceremony Humorous Readings usually comment on the main participants and could continue like so

Well, that's the potted history
So all that remains to say
Is thanks a lot (Alan and Samantha)
For a really smashin' day

We all agree the bride is beautiful
On the best day of her life
She walked down the aisle Miss Spinster
And back up it Mrs Wife

And if we didn't thank the bridesmaids
We really would fail
(Sophie and Hannah) you're beautiful
Like Princesses from a fairy tale

We should thank best man (Gary)
And (Jim), the bride giver away
And the mothers (Carole and Margaret)
Thanks for all you've done today

And thanks too to (Alan) the groom
Looking handsome as can be
And not forgetting the fat bloke reading the poem
So that's a thanks a lot to me

The ending of Wedding Ceremony Humorous Readings should acknowledge the roasting/ribbing and be the nice stuff

We've been so very insulting
And we apologise for such
Have a very long and happy life
We love you very much

or

We're very proud of both of you
And this we'd like to say
God bless you both and best of luck
On this your special day

If ending in a toast

Finally, let's raise our glasses
To the stars of the day
(Alan and Samantha) may the days and years ahead
Be special in every way

Here's a link to more material

Royal Wedding Poem

Wedding Ceremony Humorous Readings

Funny Mothers Day Poems

2009-02-24T00:33:00.000-08:00

http://crafterskitchen.blogspot.com/2009/02/flippin-women-mothers-day.html

In 26 days it will be Mother's Day so it's time to bring you some of the funny mothers day poems (you be the judge of that) I have written over the years. This first one I wrote yesterday for Boss's day and then I realised it's just as good for mothers, fathers, grandparents, brothers, sisters etc

If Oscars were given to mothers

I'd nominate you

If Olympic medals were won by mothers

Your Gold is overdue

If Nobel Prizes were awarded to mothers

You would have quite a few

If Honorary Degrees were granted to mothers

You'd have some of them too

Mother's Day Poems are given to mothers
And this is mine to you

Jon Bratton 2009

Funny Mothers Day Poems and Quotes

Funny Mothers Day Poems..are there any other kinds? Well yes, here's one about something very common these days...Grannies looking after Tots

Mum (Mom) you know I (we) rely on you
Perhaps more than I (we) ought
But I (we) really do appreciate
All your love and support

Have a really lovely Mother's Day
And may all your cards be beauties
Have a nice long rest before resuming
Your childminding duties

Which I (we) hope you find rewarding
Not in money terms, as such
But knowing that I (we) and the children
Love and appreciate you very much

Happy Mother's Day

Jon Bratton c 2006

Yet more Funny Mothers Day Poems what I have written

You're a Queen, Mother
(Forgive my clumsiness)
Have a right royal day
Your Mummsiness

Jon Bratton c 2004

Funny Mothers Day Poems, very short

Mum, you're very precious
Solid platinum
It's no wonder that I love you
To the maxi-Mum

Jon Bratton c 2004

***

History is littered
With many heroines
But none measure up to you
My dear Mummikins

Happy Mummikins Day

Jon Bratton c 2005

More Funny Mothers Day Poems

This 'Funny Mothers Day Poems' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Bosses Day Poems

2009-02-23T05:43:00.000-08:00

http://www.omahaballoon.com/id24.html

'Bosses Day Poems' is a popular search term and Boss's Day, held each year on 16 October, is a big event in USA although even there it is considered by some to be an observance too far.

I've seen it alleged that we observe it in the UK on 24th March but I haven't been able to confirm that.

It is certainly a popular search term and although there are lots of websites seeking the traffic I couldn't find any that actually provide any bosses day poems to speak of.

So to right a wrong I have written some and whilst they are for the free use of individuals for non commercial purposes, woe betide any website publishers who filch this material. I can detect plagiarism and will take action against any theft of intellectual property.

Here goes with my newly created Bosses Day Poems collection... I just rattled them off this morning

Thank you for tolerating
My occasional mistake
And for the blind eye you turn
When I dash in late

Thank you for your guidance
When the chips are down
And for getting no angrier
Than a somewhat stern frown

Thank you, in anticipation,
For a raise in my pay
Which I richly deserve
For sucking up to you in this overblown way
Oh, and Boss
Have a terrific Boss's Day

Jon Bratton 2009

Here's another in my Bosses Day Poems collection

Being the one in charge
Is definitely hard
And is sometimes thankless
Hence this card

Those who work with you

Wish to say

Thank you muchly
On Boss’s Day

Jon Bratton 2009

Poem # 3 of Bosses Day Poems

You always give your best

And inspire others to do likewise

That you are appreciated

Should come as no surprise

Your kind of leadership skills

Is a talent, that‘s true...

One that’s appreciated and valued

It’s good working for, and with, you.
Happy Boss’s Day

Jon Bratton 2009

Bosses Day Poems continues with this one

You inspire us, encourage us

And protect us from harm

You know when to turn up the heat

And when to stay calm

You direct us and praise us

And keep us on track

Consider this message

A hearty slap on the back

We really appreciate

All that you do and say

This comes with big thanks

To you, Boss, on your Boss's Day

Jon Bratton 2009

Here's the last of my Bosses Day Poems

If Oscars were given to bosses
I'd nominate you
If Olympic medals were won by bosses
Your Gold is overdue
If Nobel Prizes were awarded to bosses
You would have quite a few
If Honorary degrees were granted to bosses
You'd have some of them too
Thank You Very Much Poems are given to bosses
And this is mine to you

Jon Bratton 2009

For those seeking more boss appreciation poems here's a link

Bosses Day Poems

Funny Rude Poems

2009-02-22T03:04:00.000-08:00

Image from http://www.cafepress.com/tuffkitty/993311

Funny rude poems is another popular search term, I suspect, mainly sought by kids. Stuff I have written is intended to be funny but is probably not rude enough for, or cover the subjects of interest to, the average sub teenager. Anyway here goes the first in my funny rude poems collection

Why a cat is better than a man

A cat needn't be right all of the time
Or leave up the toilet seat
Or hog the TV remote control
Or complain if you turn up the heat

Or complain about your mother
Or grill you 'bout other cats you've known
Or feel the need to finish your sentences
Or complain if you use the phone

Or say you look better when wearing high heels
Or make jokes at your expense
Or proudly sport a beer belly
Yet still flirt o'er the garden fence

Or complain if its dinner comes out of a can
Or act like a baby when sick
Or need a rottweiler to make it feel macho
Or have its brain controlled by its dick

To finish here's some limericks which fit the category of funny rude poems. I didn't write them but I did adapt them to be rude rather than crude

I like blokes, be they Brown, Jones or Smith
Well my virtue is mostly a myth
Cos try as I can
I just can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with

A gay chap who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
About who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom

There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her 'little earner' with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."

More funny rude poems

This 'Funny Rude Poems' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Funny Dirty Love Poems

2009-02-21T02:12:00.000-08:00

Regular readers will know of my, some would say, obsession, I would say healthy interest, in search engine optimisation.

Funny Dirty Love Poems is a big search term and that's very understandable since, talking of obsession, the internet is truly obsessed with things dirty...dirty but not sexy.

So Funny Sexy Poems is never/rarely searched for and I, in my naivety five years back, created on my verses4cards website a page called Funny Sexy Poems which Google has now dropped. I thought it was taking the moral high ground, even though all the material is very mild mannered...this one, for example, I wrote as the flagship poem for that page

I'd like to scuttle your puttle
Spiddle your paddle
Tickle your wickle
And twittle your taddle

Stroodle your doodle
Cromple your string
Brundle your strundle
And frondle your ding

See, I told you I'm completely nuts about you

I now realise that Google dropped it because funny sexy poems are never searched for and so I am republishing the material on this funny dirty love poems blog page to reassert my copyright.

Right now, as I write, if you google any part of the above verse you will find it being quoted by an individual on a forum somewhere or on facebook. These individuals would have copied from my webpage before it was dropped. If you want to visit the page yourself click on the link

funny dirty love poems

In parting, here's another in my funny dirty love poems collection

The gift for you, I pondered thus
Was a ginormous hippopotamus
So you and I could ride
Astride
His hippo hide
While sitting on our bottomus
And, perhaps, since you've got him,
I should get one too....
Two ...hippopotami
Or we could just do it..
..like normal peopleli

This 'Funny Dirty Love Poems' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Short Inspirational Poetry

2009-02-20T00:07:00.000-08:00

Short Inspirational Poetry can be used as a Thought of the Day, or woven into an inspirational speech or sermon. It was only 45 years ago that Martin Luther King said

“I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.”

I don’t think even he envisaged a black President in his own children’s lifetime

Here's my ditty entitled

Making a Difference

A million starfish
By the tide were landed
When the sun arose, they would die,
On the beach, stranded

A boy said he must help
I said the difference you can make is hardly any
It's a waste of time
There are just too many

He picked one up and threw it to the sea
In an instance, it was gone
Well, he said I think I've made a big difference...
To that little one

With due deference
I joined him,
Making a difference

It's just possible that one of those rescued,
This is my heartfelt wish,
Went on to become the President of the United States..
..of American Starfish

Jon Bratton 2008
(rhyme by me but based on a traditional concept)

I have a dream that this piece of short inspirational poetry will one day be quoted by the first black starfish President in his inaugural speech or,

Mr President, Barack Obama,
You are welcome to use it too
Goodness knows, you’ve got a lot
Of inspiring work to do

Here's a very very short inspirational poetry piece

The best vitamin for making friends, bar none

B1.

More Short Inspirational Poetry

This short inspirational poetry blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009
Non commercial use of the material is authorised. It may be published on websites subject to a link back to this blog entry

Funny Birthday Rhymes

2009-02-19T01:36:00.000-08:00

Oh alright then, but in the 40 plus age group, who is the fairest of them all?
http://timelytidbits.wordpress.com/category/scripture/page/6/ for the image

Let's start this Funny Birthday Rhymes collection with this one by Author Unknown, topped and tailed by me. It is perfect for the Other Half's birthday if you have a perfect Other Half

OH with SOH

(other half with sense of humour)

I came across this birthday rhyme
Oh Boy, did I larf
I wondered 'Is it too risky
To send to my Other Half ?'

The author said 'it's perfect for an OH
But only if your OH's perfect, do you see?'
Well, I thought, my OH is perfect
So that's the poem for me

Of course, I love you darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So your bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell you, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle you
I can get my arms round there

No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just lost their battle with gravity
But I know you did your best

I'm tellin' you the truth now
I never tell you lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on your thighs

I swear on my nana's grave
The moment that we met
I thought you were as good as I
Was ever gonna get

And what a perfect choice I made
I've got the perfect OH
With still a body to die for
And an enormous SOH
(I hope!!)

Happy Birthday, darling

(And what a perfect choice I made
If I'm to believe the rumour
You've still got the body that I die for
And a terrific sense of humour)

If this is not the perfect funny birthday rhyme for you here's more Funny Birthday Rhymes

©
This 'Funny Birthday Rhymes' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Flippin' Women Verses Keep Fit

2009-02-10T01:47:00.000-08:00

Has anyone got any keep fit poems or could the budding poets out there write poems, verses to suit cards with these images. Prize for the best submitted

I've found some smashin' Flippin Women Verses

Click on the link

Flippin Women Verses are free to use non commercially
Jon Bratton 2009

Flippin' is the intellectual property of La Pashe and is used here with their express permission

Flippin Women Verses

2009-02-08T00:32:00.000-08:00

Flippin' Women was launched today.

Could you write a poem, verse for an image such as this? There are 20 images in the Flippin' women range..you'll find them here http://www.lapashe.com/
Prize for the best poems, verses submitted

Here's one for the lady who has just got up

This 'Flippin Women Verses' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.

This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Flippin' is the intellectual property of La Pashe and is used here with their express permission

Funny Mothers Day Poem

2009-02-06T23:44:00.000-08:00

http://www.bible.ca/marriage/marriage-myths-raising-children.htm

Funny Mothers Day Poem

Hooray,
Mothers Day
UK
Is on its way

Here's the link to

Funny Mothers Day Poems

then come back for this funny Mothers Day poem

Little James is sent to bed by his mother...
Five minutes later, he says "Mum..." "What?" says she
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"
"No James. You had your chance. Let it be"

Five minutes later "Mum..." "WHAT?" "I'm thirsty...
Can I have a glass of water??" says he
"I told you NO! If you ask again
I'll spank you over my knee!!"

Five minutes later "Mummm..." "WHAT??!!"
(Getting annoyed, knowing she shouldn’t oughta)
"Mum, when you come in to spank me,
Can you bring me a glass of water?"

Here's another funny Mothers Day poem

As a kid, I was troublesome, bothersome, burdensome,
Wearisome, quarrelsome, and tiresome
In the lottery of life, I scored
I'm soooo glad you were so Mum-some

Another Funny Mothers Day Poem

©
This 'Funny Mothers Day Poem' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

What is the Quickest Way to Heal a Cut

2009-02-02T03:21:00.000-08:00

What is the Quickest Way to Heal a Cut?

Those who are regulars readers will know that the only reason I am covering this seemingly bizarre subject is because the topic 'what is the quickest way to heal a cut' must be commonly searched for but not well catered for.
This is true but I accepted the challenge to see whether I could give good advice in rhyme, so here goes

The best way to clean a cut, scrape
Or puncture wound (such as from a nail)
Is under a running tap
Or with cool water from a pail

Use soap and a soft washcloth to clean the skin
But keep soap out of the wound. Any why?
Because soap can cause irritation.
Ever had some in your eye?

Bleeding helps clean out wounds.
So bleeding is good
It stops quickly although bleeding is longer on the face
Which is more rich in blood

To stop the bleeding, apply firm
But gentle pressure, at the cause
With a clean cloth or tissue
Or a piece of gauze.

If the blood soaks through the gauze or cloth
Don't take it off.
Just apply more pressure
And add another cloth on top

If your wound is on an arm or leg,
Raising it above your heart
Will help slow the bleeding
Right from the start.

If the wound needs covering
Use gauze and tape, Band-Aid or stall
If the wound won’t get dirty or be rubbed by clothing
It’ll heal quicker if not covered at all

Antibiotic ointments help healing
By keeping out infection and keeping the wound clean .
A bandage does pretty much the same thing
Without needing antibiotic cream

Cuts to the skin are rarely painful
Though lots of blood may make you feel sick
But if you follow the advice just given
Complete healing will be quick

If you want a second opinion follow this link

What is the Quickest Way to Heal a Cut

This 'What is the Quickest Way to Heal a Cut' poem is copyright Jon Bratton 2009

Romantic Valentine Messages

2009-02-02T01:18:00.000-08:00

St. Valentine's Day themed poems, just now being the norm
Here's some romantic Valentine messages, in rhyming form

I love you from the bottom of my heart.
Be mine forever.
Let’s live to the full
And grow old together

I am so happy we met!
I’m yours. You’re mine
You mean the world to me!
Please be my Valentine

Romantic Valentine Messages

My darling, you bring joy to my life.
How blessed am I, that you’re my wife

Roses are red,
Violets are blue
You’ve opened the doors of my heart.
Now walk on through

Love you loads and will always do.
We’re joined together by powerful glue

You’re the pillar of my life
And will always be
I was so blessed
When you were sent here for me

More Romantic Valentine Messages

This 'Romantic Valentine Messages' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Valentine Card Sayings

2009-02-01T00:47:00.000-08:00

Here's a bunch of Valentine Card Sayings I've written and/or adapted from Author Unknown material

I got you a bag and a belt for Valentine’s Day
The hoover is working again, hooray
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Valentine Card Sayings

I didn't marry someone I can live with
I married you, who I cannot live without.
Happy Valentine’s Day, darling

Valentine Card Sayings

If love is great, and there are no greater things,
Then what I feel for you must be the greatest.

***

Love is like playing the piano.
First you must learn to play by the rules,
Then you must forget the rules
And play from your heart.

Valentine Card Sayings

Within you, I lose myself.
Without you, I find myself wanting to be lost again.

***

Love means nothing in tennis,
But it's everything in life.

More Valentine Sayings

What would it be like to swing on a star,
Or walk on a cloud?
Would it be anything like what I feel
Whenever you are near?

Valentine Card Sayings

A kiss is something you cannot give without taking
and cannot take without giving.

***

It takes more than lace and ribbons,
And lovely verses too,
To make a Valentine
Thats nice enough for you.

***

It takes a world of special thoughts,
Tucked into every line,
And that's exactly what you'll find
Inside this Valentine.

Valentine Card Sayings

Hopelessly devoted to you
How sweet it is to be loved by you
I just can't stop loving you, by song titles

***

I’ve fallen in love many times…
Always with you.

***

If you love me
As I love you
Nothing can cut
Our love in two

There is no other
And I am he
That loves no other
And you are she

As I, in you
Have made my choice
So in the Lord
Let us rejoice

You never knew
A heart more true
As God saw fit
Our knot is knit

As long as life
Your loving wife
My love is true
To none but you

Till death depart
You have my heart

More Valentine Card Sayings

This 'Valentine Card Sayings' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Valentine Verse

2009-01-31T22:53:00.000-08:00

Old-Fashioned Valentine Verse

Here's a Valentine Verse that's been around forever

I asked God for a rose and he gave me a garden.
I asked God for a drop of water and he gave me a lake.
I asked God for an angel and he gave me you
Be my Valentine

Another classic Valentines Verse

If I could change the alphabet,
I‘d put U and I together!

Words begin with ABC.
Numbers begin with 123.
Music begins with do, re, mi.
And love begins with you and me!

If I could be any letter in the alphabet,
I'd choose "v" so I can be next to "u"

If you could be any note,
I’d like you to be"re"
So you're always next to "me"

Yet another St. Valentine's Verse that's been around the block

I love you, I love you, I love you almighty!
I wish your pajamas were next to my nightie!
Now dont be mistaken... dont be misled...
I mean on the clothes line not on the bed!!

A Valentine Verse of old

I love you not because of who you are,
But because of who I am
When I am with you.

Valentine Poetry

A Valentine PoetryVerse your Grandmother used

If, out of time, I could pick one moment
And keep it shining, always new,
Of all the days that I have lived,
I'd pick the moment I met you.

A Valentine Verse that's stood the test of time

Nobody tells
Fish to swim,
Birds to fly,
Cows to moo,
Dogs to bark
They just do.
Nobody tells me
To love you.
I just do!

A Valentine Poem that started life as a Carpenters song

Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

Why do stars fall down from the sky
Every time you walk by?
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.

This is the last of the old time Valentine Verses for now

Love is like a golden chain
That links our hearts together
And if you ever break that chain
You’ll break my heart forever
Love is like a cloud
Love is like a dream
Love is one word
And everything in between
Love is a fairytale come true
I found love when I found you.

More Valentine Verse

This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Funny Valentine Poems

2009-01-30T16:08:00.000-08:00

Funny Valentine Poems

I came across a Valentine joke which I have woven into a poem as the first entry in my Funny Valentine Poems collection

I’m good at buying presents
(Remember last year’s little toy)
(Last year’s present brought you joy)
Well here’s a poem about what can go wrong
If you’re a right Charlie boy

Charlie decided to buy his new girlfriend,
A special gift for Valentine
He discounted flowers, chocolates
Furs, jewellery, liquor or wine

Gloves, he thought, would be perfect
(He’s a very romantic sort)
He took his sister with him to make sure
The best girlie gloves were bought

With his sister’s advice Charlie purchased
A really lovely pair,
And Charlie's sister decided to purchase
A pair of panties for herself, while there.

Each purchase was wrapped and then mixed up
As oft happens, under Murphy’s Law

(sometimes Sod's law or Finagle's law.)
Charlie mailed the parcel to his girlfriend
With a note “To the girl I adore”

The note went on “I chose this particular gift
And I hope that you approve
Coz I noticed that you often don't wear any
These ones are short and easy to remove
.
The lady at the store where I bought them
Showed me the pair she’s been wearing
I had her try on yours for me
They looked nice, if a little bit daring.

When you take them off, remember
To blow on them before putting them away
As they will naturally be a little damp
From wearing them all day.

I hope you'll wear them Friday night
Whether it’s frosty or whether it pours
And you can, of course, remove them
As soon as we’re back indoors"

What a right Charlie he is
I’ve got you a present, with taste
I hope this edible, gusseted, tasselled thong
Isn’t too tight around the waist

More Funny Valentine Poems here

Valentines Phrases

2009-01-30T15:50:00.001-08:00

Now some of you came for Valentines Phrases and I've got plenty and they're free...you can have 'em cos they're not mine... they belong to Author Unknown, who in my opinion is the best writer on t'internet.

So, here we go

May happiness come your way...
On this Valentine's Day!

****

Here is a Valentine for you...
Best wishes in all you do!

****

Je t'aime is what a Frenchman says
Te quiero is the Spanish way
It’s Ti amo in Italian
I love you is what I say
I love you every minute
Every second, to be precise
When I count my blessings,
(and I often do)
I always count you twice.

More Valentines Phrases

Ven a dormir conmigo: no haremos el amor. Él nos hará.

Julio Cortázar in Spanish

In English: Come and sleep with me: we won't make love. It will make us.

****

Is tú grá geal mo chroí.

Irish for

You are the bright love of my heart.

Valentines Phrases

This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Short Valentines Poems

2009-01-27T22:59:00.000-08:00

Looking for short valentines poems? You've come to the right place...for here are the shortest valentinest poems on the planet. OK, they could be shorter, but they couldn't be more valentiny

I love you with no rhyme nor reason.
I love you, till pigs do fly
And the reason why?
No reason why
I just do
My
V
A
L
E
N
T
I
N
E
have a cocktail

***

This is a short valentine poem
For you I have written
Cos with all consuming love
I've been smitten
And when I say smitten I mean everywhere
There's one bit, particularly smit
But let's not go down there
Be my Valentine

Short Valentines Poems

My Valentine, I love thee
More than a dog loves a tree
More than a lumberjack
Loves a cucumber snack
Or a fish loves staying wet
More even than
Romeo loved Juliet

I love you more
Than a clown loves being funny
Or a miser loves saving money
Or Hitler loved making war

My Valentine,
I adore you more
Than an aardvark loves ants
I've a stirring in me......mind

For the right words,
Sentiments
I'm grasping,
Groping
This poem could go on forever
Like us
I'm hoping
Be my Valentine

Short Valentines Poems

Funny Valentines Poems

Plenty of love,
Tons of kisses,
Hope some day,
To be your Mrs.

My Darling Valentine

***

I love you, verily
Verily, verily much
Be my Valentine

***

I'll love you until the cows come home.
I'll love you, till the moon is blue
And the reason why?
I lurrve you
I just do
My

A
L
E
N
T
I
N
E

have
another cocktail

Short Valentines Poems

I'm o'er brimming with love's fever

All atingle, aroused, excited

And you should see the state of me troth

It's well and truly plighted
Be my Valentine

More Short Valentines Poems

That's yer lot, but stay tuned to this blog for I am just an old sentimentalist

Oh, alright

I mean to milk this topic for all it's worth

This 'Short Valentines Poems' blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009.
This material is free to use for personal purposes but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers. Steps have been taken to detect plagiarism and breach of copyright will be actioned

Poems Starting Roses are Red

2009-01-26T23:34:00.000-08:00

Image from http://www.sundayschoolresources.com/outreach.htm

Valentine's Day is hurtling towards us and, hungry for traffic for this newish blog, I'm concentrating on Valentine Poems because I know there will be a huge number of searches in the next couple of weeks.

Poems starting Roses are Red are favoured by young folk because the -eu- sound of blue rhymes with 'you' which makes it easy to compliment or insult the recipient

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Say anything you like cos it doesn't have to rhyme with anything
1. And so are you
2. And you make two
3. And you are too
4. And so do you
5. And that's true of you
6. That's why I love you
7. I'm addicted to/obsessed with/in love with/you

Check out these Poems Starting Roses are Red

Here's a few more I've penned

Roses are red
Violets are blue
When they dished out brains/intelligence/IQ/good looks/common sense/ability
You were (last) (first) in the queue

Roses are red,
Violets are blue
I made this card
Just for you
It's not the neatest,
It wouldn't pass a test
But it's made with love-
That makes it the best

Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue
It's Valentines Day
And I love you

Today I'm asking
If you'll be mine
Please say yes (Harry)...
Be my Valentine

Romantic Valentine Poems

The rest, suitable perhaps for Valentine cards, are risque

If you're easily offended, don't read on

Rose are red
Violets are blue
Meet me at Specsavers
For a right seeing to

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I am a ram
And I love ewe
(And I screw ewe)

Rose are red
Violets are blue
You can put your sausage
On my barbecue

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Do you fancy an African Grey?
Or a Cockatoo?

Roses are red
Daffodils are yellow
I'm off to bed
Won't you be my bed fellow?

Violets aren't blue, they're violet
And only some roses are red
Let's continue this biology lesson
Ensconsed in your comfy bed

Roses are red
Books are read
Let's go read in bed

More Poems Starting Roses are Red

A little bit bad but it's original material and t'internet needs some original material.

This material is free to use for personal use but may not be lifted in whole or part by website publishers

Roses Red Poems

2009-01-25T03:04:00.000-08:00

This has done the email rounds but in this run up to St. Valentine's Day it is worthy of another outing

Red roses were her favorites,
Her name was also Rose.
And every year her husband sent them,
Tied with pretty bows.
The year he died, the roses
Were delivered to her door.
The card said, “Be my Valentine”,
Like all the years before.

Each year he sent her roses,
And the note would always say,
“I love you even more this year,
Than last year on this day.
My love for you will always grow,
With every passing year.”
She knew this was the last time
That the roses would appear.

Roses Red Poems for Valentines Day

She thought, he ordered roses
In advance before this day.
Her loving husband did not know,
That he would pass away.
He always liked to do things early,
Way before the time.
Then, if he got too busy,
Everything would work out fine.

She trimmed the stems, and placed them
In a very special place.
She sat the vase of roses
By the portrait of his face.
She would sit for hours,
In her husband’s favorite chair.
While staring at his picture,
And the roses sitting there.

Roses Red Poems for Valentine's Day

A year went by, and it was hard
To live without her mate.
With loneliness and solitude,
That had become her fate.
And then on Valentines
Just as before,
The doorbell rang, and there were roses,
Sitting by her door.

She brought the roses in, and then
Just looked at them in shock.
Then, went to get the telephone,
To call the florist shop.
The owner answered, and then
She asked him to explain,
Who would do this to her,
Causing so much pain?

Roses Red Poems for Valentine's Day

“I know your husband passed away,
More than a year ago,”
The owner said, “I knew you’d call,
And you would want to know.
The flowers you received today,
Were paid for in advance.
Your husband always planned ahead,
He left nothing to chance.

There is a standing order,
That I have on file down here,
And he has paid, well in advance,
You’ll get them every year.
There also is another thing,
That I think you should know,
He wrote a special little card…
He did this years ago.

Roses Red Poems for Valentine's Day

Then, should ever I find out
That he’s no longer here,

That’s the card…that should be sent,
To you the following year.”

She thanked him and hung up the phone,
Her tears now flowing hard.

Her fingers shaking, as she slowly
Reached to get the card.

Inside the card, she saw that he
Had written her a note.
Then, as she stared in total silence,
This is what he wrote…
“Hello my love, I know it’s been
A year since I’ve been gone,
I hope it hasn’t been too hard
For you to overcome.

Roses Red Poems for Valentine's Day

I know it must be lonely,
And the pain is very real.
For if it was the other way,
I know how I would feel
The love we shared made everything
So beautiful in life.
I loved you more than words can say,
You were the perfect wife.

You were my friend and lover,
You fulfilled my every need.
I know it’s only been a year,
But please try not to grieve.
I want you to be happy,
Even when you shed your tears.
That is why the roses
Will be sent to you for years.

Roses Red Poems for Valentine's Day

When you get these roses,
Think of all the happiness,
That we had together,
And how both of us were blessed.
I have always loved you
And I know I always will.
But, my love, you must go on,
You have some living still.

Please…try to find happiness,
While living out your days.
I know it is not easy,
But I hope you find some ways.
The roses will come every year,
And they will only stop,
When your door’s not answered,
When the florist stops to knock.

He will come five times that day,
In case you have gone out.
But after his last visit,
He will know without a doubt,
To take the roses to the place,
Where I’ve instructed him,
And place the roses where we are,
Together once again.

Roses Red Poems

Jon Bratton 2009

but note: this piece is by Author Unknown

Roses are Red Poems

2009-01-25T01:58:00.000-08:00

This fantastic roses and violets picture is from http://flickr.com/photos/35318832@N00/1148167067/

Roses are red poems... well, that's just utter nonsensical shit

Roses are flowers...that's it...build a bridge...get over it
Poems about roses being red are doggerel at its worst
In 1590 Sir Edmund Spenser wrote this first

"She bath'd with roses red, and violets blew,
And all the sweetest flowres, that in the forrest grew".

(notice the appalling spelling)

It has spawned Valentine poems ever since
Enough to make every person over 16, wince
So why have I embarked upon this task?
My regular readers are entitled to ask

My piece entitled Roses are red poems continues....

To appeal to all those lasses and lads
Who hopefully will click my Google Ads
Valentine's Day is Worldwide, you see
And 'roses are red' poems, obligatory
I'm perfectly willing to prostitute my art
For, as you well know, I'm a search engine tart

Roses are red, violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
And I am too
Roses are often white, violets can be pink
It's time to end with this link, I think

Link coming after this

Roses are read,
Please do read my message spelt out with roses
I did it when I was sozzed
It wasn't easy to do
When I was writing 'prick'
I was'ed.

Roses are Red Poems

Lancastrian roses are red
Yorkshire roses are white
Don't even think to copy and paste
This is all my copyright

Burns Night Speeches

2009-01-22T23:45:00.001-08:00

Burns Night Speeches

There's no hard and fast rules about Burns Night speeches but Burns Nights do tend to have one thing in common, summarised by this little ditty by me

Do the Scots like to drink?
Was Hitler fond of war?
At the end of a Burns Night
They're all flat out on the floor

Burns Night Speeches begin usually with Grace (and end often in disgrace)

Some hae meat and canna eat;
And some wad eat that want it:
But we hae meat and we can eat
And sae the Lord be thankit.

Coming next in the Burns Night Speeches is usually the Address to a Haggis

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race!

Burns Night Speeches include the
Immortal Memory
One of the guests gives a short speech, celebrating aspects of Burns' life or poetry. This should be entertaining, generally light hearted but there will be Burns Nights held which are intensely serious. Avoid these at all costs unless you are one of those Scots whose company most Scots would seek to avoid
The Immortal Memory finishes with a toast to Robert Burns which is just one of many drinks consumed during the evening.

To Rabbie Burns...drink, drink

The Burns Night Speeches usually continue with a Toast to the Lassies
This is a short speech given by a male guest, normally amusing, thanking women for preparing the food, extolling the virtues of women generally and ending in a toast which of course involves inbibing alcohol. The astute ones among you will have spotted the emergence of a theme.

To the Lassies...drink, drink

It's only right and proper that this should be followed by a reply from the lassies, proposing a Toast to the Laddies.

There is a lack of material out there so I have adapted a Toast to the Lassies, which hopefully won't offend the original author, credited below

My you laddies can be a curious pest
Ay'ways chunterin' on when we need rest.
If we disagree, you ay'ways ken best
Then the silence is lang.
Then begins the game where we huv' tae guess
What we did wrang
In time o' need
When you need to answer nature's ca'
You jist pee agin the wa'
We huv tae go alang twa by twa
Like there's a tether.
Then stand in line for hours, an a'
Jist fur a blether.
When we're stappit fu' wi' cold or flu,
Or a fever that we can't subdue,
We pray some tenderness may ensue,
But where's the fuss?
When laddies get sick one thing is true
They're no as ill as us!
But chief among your faults sae heinous,
Is the obsession o' the penis,
The whean o' pleasure it hae gein us,
We're aye glad now the mighty phallus
Has its uses.
Inspiring bold John Thomas's wan e'e
Is still nature's prime necessity
In the race of life tae pregnancy,
Agin the body's clock.
Where would we be if no fur thee,
Tick-tock, tick-tock!
A man needs a wife when he comes hame.
Fair scunnered sittin' there on his ain,
A bachelor's life is such a shame,
The puir wee thing,
He needs a lassie tae tak' his name,
Mak his hert sing.
I've never seen a more handsome sight,
Than the laddies gathered here tonight.
Rabbie himself would agree I'm right.
This I know.
In better words he'd show his delight,
And tell you so.
So here's tae our laddies, let’s be fair,
Whether blond or black, or lack o' hair.
There known as friends 'n' lovers 'n' mair
than hopeless dancers.
Its' a' we can dae no tae stop and stare,
Like glaikit chancers!
Yes, here's tae our laddies.
May you aye be near.
Lassies, please lift your wine or beer
And with one voice and hearty cheer
At times they’re baddies,
But where would we be if they weren't here?

To the Laddies...drink, drink

Original work by Alisdair Smith of Dunblane, Scotland. January 2002.

Not just to consume another drink but more in tribute to the Bard, a toast could be proposed to, say, a Fart, in the style of The Man Himself's tribute
To A Mouse, which starts

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!

Tae A Fert

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie,
Lurks in yer belly efter the feastie.
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin,
There sterts to stir an enormous wind.
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas,
Stert workin like a gentle breeze.
But soon the puddin' wi the sauncie face,
Will have ye blawin' all ower the place.
Nae matter whit ye try tae dae,
A'bodys gonnae have tae pay.
Even if ye try to stifle,
It's like a bullet oot a rifle.
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair,
Tae try and stop the leakin' air.
Shift yersel frae cheek tae cheek,
Pray tae God it doesny reek.
But aw yer efforts go assunder,
Oot it comes ? a clap o' thunder.
Ricochets aroon the room,
Michty me, a sonic boom!
God almighty it fairly reeks,
Hope I huvnae pooed ma breeks!
Tae the loo I better scurry,
Aw who cares, its no ma worry.
A'body roon aboot me chokin,
Wan or two are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while,
Cannae help but raise a smile.
"Wis him!" I shout with accusin' glower,
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower!
"Ye dirty thing!" they shout and stare,
I don't feel welcome any mair.
Where ere ye go let yer wind gang free,
Sounds like just the job fur me.
Whit a fuss at Rabbie's perty,
Ower the sake o' wan wee ferty!!!

Let's toast the fart,

To the Fart... drink, drink

Perhaps next in the Burns Night Speeches could come

Tam o' Shanter.

WHEN chapman billies leave the street,
And drouthy neebors, neebors meet;

To Tam...drink, drink

The Burns Night speeches could continue with a Toast to the Downcoming of a Sassanach

To the downcoming of a Sassanach ...drink, drink

And next in the Burns Night Speeches could be a Toast, thusly

Help ma boab, I'm feeling drouthy, thorsty
I propose a toast to a...
to a...
to a toastie

To a toastie...drink, drink

And so it continues until everyone is thoroughly

toasted...drunk, drunk

For more Burns Night speeches, here's a link

Burns Night Speeches

Burns Night this year is this coming Sunday 25th January and that's only a fortnight or so from St Valentine's Day so let's seamlessly link into the next few blogs, which will concentrate on Valentine Poems, by finishing with Rabbie's poem/song lyrics

My Love is Like a Red Red Rose

O, my love is like a red, red rose,
That's newly sprung in June.
O, my love is like a melody,
That's sweetly play'd in tune.
As fair thou art, my bonnie lass,
So deep in love am I,
And I will love thee still, my dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry.
Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun!
And I will love thee still, my dear,
While the sands of life shall run.
And fare the weel, my only love!
And fare the well awhile!
And I will come again, my love.
Tho it were ten thousand mile!

Flipping Men Decoupage Sheets

2009-01-19T07:29:00.000-08:00

I've just watched Create and Craft's programme on Flipping Men decoupage sheets, starring Jak and the presenter said that Flipping Women were coming soon so I thought I'd invite you to submit verses/poems to suit the images
http://www.lapashe.com/ for details of Flippin' Women Decoupage Sheets

I am aware that I have misspelt Flippin' by adding a G but I am expecting lots of folk to misspell it when searching on Google or Yahoo.

Flippin' Men Verses Housework

2009-01-17T02:03:00.000-08:00

Has anyone got a poem that would suit this image?

Jon Bratton 2008.

Flippin' Men Verses DIY

2009-01-15T00:33:00.000-08:00

Free poems, verses for Hand made cards using Flippin' Men decoupage sheets from La Pashe

Flippin' Men Verses Decorating

2009-01-13T00:34:00.000-08:00

The right to the original verse was sold. This is a different one I wrote

Today on your birthday
Leap out of bed
Don your best dungarees
And paint the town red

Have a splashing day

Free poems, verses for Hand made cards using Flippin' Men decoupage sheets from La Pashe
by Jon Bratton 2008.

Principal Retirement Poems

2009-01-12T01:59:00.000-08:00

This image was used on the framed tribute presented to the retiring principal. It is by Jim Harker

These Principal retirement poems were written for specific people but there are generic verses which can be used and others can be adapted

The Principal's (Headmaster's) Dilemma

Should I continue rigging league tables

Or retire early instead

I'm afraid the school's lost the race

By just a short head

A raspberry to the (Community Members) (Governors) Report

Difficult parents know what they can do

I'm off to play a bit of golf

Err...and scrub a floor or two

Oh dear...I'll have to do the housework

Scrubbing floors and all that stuff

'Cos (the significent other) (her indoors) will have to work

The pension's not enough

This retirement lark's not easy

There's no gain without the pain

It can't be golf AND gardening

My knees won't stand the strain

Let's see...choir...golf...housework

That's an awful lot to do

I'm far too old to retire

This retirement needs a review

Should I stick to my cushy number

Or vacuum and tend the soil?

I'll let the flip of a coin decide

Is it a Head or Toil?

More Principal Retirement Poems

Tribute to Principal

James, you're a very caring (guy)(bloke)
A principal with principles, so true
You (cycle), (drink) and (play guitar)
Not an easy thing to do

Your love of Central America
Can be seen on what you wear
It's an odds on bet, to say you are
Just a little left of Blair

You're big on sport and keeping fit
And on America's Cuban flop
You're big on Education
You're just very big...full stop

You fast on all your white days
And have red and green days too
And you're also fond of the light brown days
When you sup a pint or two

This tribute's endorsed by all the staff
And your friends, of which there's many
The Government saved a quid or two
But squandered a good Penney

Principal Retirement Poems express the same sentiments as teacher appreciation/thank you/retirement poems and thank you poems when the teacher/principal stays but the student leaves. This next one is adapted from a sudent leaving poem I wrote a couple of years back

To mark your retirement
We'd like to tell you how we feel;
Our heartfelt appreciation
Is deeply felt and real.

You're a really great principal/teacher/manager
That's what we all say
And as a Thank You for all you've done
We're giving you an A

On second thoughts that's not enough
For helping all of us.
So you get this THANK YOU,
As well as this A PLUS

No, that's not enough either
For the principal that you are
You get this Thank You, an A+
As well as this GOLD STAR

Enjoy many years of retirement

©
These Principal Retirement Poems are by Jon Bratton
They are copyright and may not be lifted and used in whole or in part by website publishers. Measures are in place to detect plagiarism. They are free to use by individuals for personal, non publishing use

Toasts for 40th Birthday.

2009-01-11T00:42:00.000-08:00

Toasts for 40th Birthday

Did you come here to find material to propose just a short toast. There’s nothing wrong in keeping it brief and to the point. Some of the best toasts are just a few lines.

Toasts for 40th Birthday…Example of Short Toast

I would like to thank all of you for joining us in the celebration of (Jack's) (Jill’s) 40th birthday.

Special thanks to (Jack‘s) folks, it's really great to see you. I would like to thank (Jack) for being in, and for making, my life for the past 15 years and I am sure all of you join me in wishing (Jack) a happy 40th birthday.

You’re only half way there (Jack) and may your next 40 years be filled with health, joy and prosperity

So please raise your glasses

To (Jack)

Or are you making a speech, followed by a toast?

Many Toasts for 40th Birthday Are Preceded by a Speech

Most speeches about turning 40 use getting old/over the hill humour and there’s lots out there.

Here’s a link to a set of getting old jokes woven into a funny poem

Getting Old Poem

And here’s a link to more

Toasts for 40th Birthday featuring over the Hill Jokes

Toasts for 40th Birthday can Concentrate on the Acquisition of Wisdom

Here’s a bunch more I’ve compiled, this time concentrating on the fact that...

With age comes wisdom/experience/nous/street cred/moxie/savvy/

...Forty is not the ultimate F-Word…

After 40, (Jack)(Jill), you’ll learn that you can live without sex but not without your glasses.

You’ll begin to realise that it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission,

that for every action, there is an equal and opposite government programme and that

Men Are From Earth and Women Are From Earth so just deal with it.

Oh and you will just accept as fact that bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques

It will dawn on you that the difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits and fewer things will seem worthwhile waiting in (a queue) (line) for.
You’ll get philosophical and accept that some days you're the dog; some days you're the (lamp post)(hydrant),

that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed and that

if it weren't for stress you’d have no energy at all

Toasts for 40th Birthday continued…

You’ll develop a love for cooking with wine and sometimes you may even put some in the food. Broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist will change places, any time soon.

What will now become obvious is that newspapers are a total waste of money since they have little to do with true news.

You’ll have realised that
aliens have not suddenly made all pet dogs attack babies, in the Summer..during the slow news days and that

there’s not millions more pervs than there used to be
etc...come up with your own

You’ll see the light, and realise for example that 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep,

that junk is something you keep for years and then throw it away moments before you need it….

that experience is a wonderful thing as it enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.. .

that by the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends…American Express, that'll do nicely but when in your education did any one say watch out for a World Wide Credit Crunch........

and that you should learn from the mistakes of others because you just can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

And Overnight, Jill, you’ve become a WOW … a Wiser Older Woman
Overnight, Jack, you’ve become a WOW…a Wiser Older Wimp…just watch how slow you start to drive
Enough, already it’s time to make a toast
etc

This 40th Birthday material was compiled by Jon Bratton 2008. It is copyright and may not be lifted and used in whole or in part by website publishers. Measures are in place to detect plagiarism. It is, so far as Jon Bratton is concerned, but not necessarily any other named copyright holder, Free to use by individuals for personal, non publishing use
40th Birthday material, comprising as it does, references to getting older and gaining wisdom applies equally to 50th Birthday, 60th Birthday, 70th Birthday

Good Turning 40 Jokes

2009-01-10T09:36:00.000-08:00

The following good turning 40 jokes were gathered for the long poem I published yesterday...since transferred to another site. These were the jokes I didn't use in the rhyme

Your idea of weight lifting is standing up

The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

Travelling to see historical sites isn't as much fun when many of the sites are younger than you are.

Good turning 40 jokes stand alone or combined to form a speech

Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

Conversations with people your own age often become a duel of ailments.

Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

All of your favourite movies are now re-released in colour.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory

Before crossing a room you look both ways.

Another batch of good turning 40 jokes to stand alone or combined to form a speech

You sing along with the elevator music.

Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

Last batch of less good turning 40 jokes stand alone or combined to form a speech

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

You start video taping daytime game shows

When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!

You start hesitating in deleting those blue pill emails that you get…you know the ones where you wonder whether everyone gets them or whether you are being singled out

If you want to see the turning 40 jokes that were used in the poem, click on this link

Good Turning 40 Jokes in Poem Form

And now, here's the lyrics to a great song which contains many good turning 40 jokes. Read the lyrics and then see the performance of the song by Tom Rush by clicking on the YouTube link

Looking for my wallet and my car keys
Well they can’t have gone too far;
And just as soon as I find my glasses
I’m sure I’ll see just where they are.
Supposed to meet someone for lunch today,
But I can’t remember where
Or who it is that I am meeting:
It’s in my organiser ~ somewhere.
I might have left it on the counter;
Maybe outside in the car.
Last time I remember driving
Was to that Memory Enhancement Seminar.

More Good Turning 40 Jokes

What's that far-off distant ringing
and that strangely familiar tone?
Must be the person I am meeting
Calling me on my brand new cordless ‘phone.
I might have left it under the covers,
Or maybe outside on the lawn;
And I’ve got just one more ring to go
Before my answering machine kicks on.
*Click*
“Hi, this is Tom and your call means a lot to me,
So leave a message at the tone
And I’ll do my best to try to remember
To call you back when I get home.”
*Beep*
“Tom, this is Gwendoline,
and I am trying not to cry
But I’ve been waiting here for over an hour ~
I thought you loved me. This is goodbye!
”Hell, the voice sounds familiar,
And the name it rings a bell.
Let’s see now, where was I?
Oh well...

Tom Rush.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yN-6PbqAPM

40th Birthday material, comprising as it does, references to getting older and gaining wisdom applies equally to 50th Birthday, 60th Birthday, 70th Birthday

40th Birthday Rhymes

2009-01-09T00:08:00.000-08:00

If you came here yesterday you would not have seen what you see now. You would have seen 40th Birthday Rhymes

If you are looking at this for the first time you might be thinking that the title doesn't match the content

Let me explain

Yesterday I published a longish Over the Hill Birthday poem, comprising many four line rhymes, any of which could be used in isolation or used together as a complete poem suitable for a 40th speech, toast or certificate. Here's the illustration I used and a taste of the rhymes

Image by www.tomrichmond.com This is a website well worth a visit

Now that you've turned 40
Much of the following is true of you
And fair enough you’re not yet over the hill
But the hilltop’s now in view

Or it would be, if you got some specs
For your rapidly fading eyes
Already your supply of brain cells
Is down to a manageable size.

If you want to read the whole poem it's now been transferred to another website of mine and I'll give you the link at the end. If you're interested in Search Engine Optimisation stay with me for now. If you're only seeking 40th Birthday Rhymes jump down to the bottom of the page.

Within a quarter of an hour of publishing it, it was on page 2 of the Google search engine results. Disappointing because I had expected it to be on page 1..that's happened often and this time I really went for the keywords... 40th Birthday Rhymes...to be included to the maximum density, without spamming. I've read many times that you can go for the keyword(s) being used 5 times in every hundred words ie a density of 5%

So I did that.

My four line verses usually have 25 words there or thereabouts so if I was to have a density of say 4% to be on the safe side I could use the search term at the end of each verse ie saying it 4 times for each 100 words

Well it felt like I was spamming. It was completely unnatural, it would be irritating to humans and I had grave doubts that it would be acceptable to the Googlebot (Google's spider/robot).... but it was worth the experiment provided I was reasonably satisfied that, if this one blog entry was perceived to be spamming then only this one entry would be penalised not the entire site.

In the next 24 hours not a single person arrived using the search term and how could that be so when it was on Page 2 of the search results? So I checked and found that the blog entry had been damned to oblivion, presumably almost immediately, since there weren't any visitors even early on

So, let that be a lesson to us all. If it feels like spamming it probably is and you will pay the price.

A few lines from here is the link to the original poem. When you go there you'll see that 40th Birthday Rhymes is mentioned at the end of each set of four verses of four lines. The host of that website has an analyse facility and it regards that density to be good

I've highlighted each time I've used the keyword phrase 40th Birthday Rhymes in this piece and overall it looks about right to me. We'll see how long it takes Google to forgive me

40th Birthday Rhymes

And if that wasn't enough here's more good stuff

40th Birthday Rhymes /Sayings

Flippin' Men Verses Cycling

2009-01-08T03:23:00.000-08:00

Image from http://www.crafterskitchen.blogspot.com/

This was written at a specific request for a 70 year old cycling Dad

On your 70th birthday, some might say it's time?
To park it up for good, Dad
But you'll be cycling till you're eighty
It seems a tad more than a fad, Dad

Keep on keeping on
Congratulations on biking it to the Big Seven-0

This Flippin Men Verses Cycling blog entry is copyright Jon Bratton 2009 but the verse may be used for private non commercial purposes

40th Birthday Sayings

2009-01-07T00:16:00.000-08:00

Welcome to 40th Birthday Sayings which I have created by adapting some well known quotes to be more readily used on a birthday card or as part of a speech or toast

Here is the first batch

At 40 you’ve got your head together but your body is starting to fall apart.

At Forty you’re at the old age of youth, entering the youth of old age

At 40 you are approaching the dead centre of middle age. It occurs when you are too young to take up golf and too old to rush to the net.

At 40 you have a lot to be thankful for. Isn’t it nice that wrinkles, greying hair, thinning hair and developing belly doesn't hurt

My 40th Birthday Sayings blog entry continues with these

You know you've reached 40 when a doctor, not a policeman, tells you to slow down, all you exercise are your prerogatives and it takes you longer to rest than to get tired.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation - at your age now it will start avoiding you.

At 20 years of age the will reigns; at 30 the wit; at 40 the judgment. ~Benjamin Franklin

At your age now you should become a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative Mathematics, and you’ll honestly not know how old you are.

Yet more 40th Birthday Sayings

Age is all in your mind. The trick is keeping it from creeping down into your body.

Look on the bright side. You can start flirting all you like....you're becoming harmless.

At 40, you’re now eighteen with 22 years experience.

Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It’s your 40th birthday. Did you jerk today?

Lest you haven't found one yet here's four more 40th Birthday Sayings

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. In your case, age has just shown up all by itself.

At your age you can do just as much as ever - but would rather not.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen. Said Mark Twain
If it were so, today you’d still be 40 but next year you’d be 39 not 41

For now that's the last of the 40th Birthday sayings but look in again. I am working on more

Meantime here's more elsewhere

40th Birthday Sayings

Flippin' Men Verses Walkies

2009-01-04T00:47:00.000-08:00

Welcome to Free 40th Birthday Poems, one blog of many covering special birthdays

This blog entry, which has been changed for contractual reasons, has no content to speak of but gets a lot of traffic. I've no idea why

On the occasion of your big seven -0
Special birthday wishes we/I send
May your birthday feel as good as you’d feel
If scoring four an end

And keep on keeping on

That verse has been parked here...it is for the Flippin Men Bowler, just in case you came here for Flippin Men Verses

More Free 40th Birthday Poems

Free 40th birthday poems, verses for Hand made cards using Flippin' Men decoupage sheets from La Pashe

by Jon Bratton 2008.

Wedding Anniversary Verses

2009-01-03T01:11:00.001-08:00

Image from www.sodahead.com

It’s Jack & Eva’s 50th wedding anniversary
And Jack says "Have you ever cheated on me?"
Eva replies, "Oh Jack, why ask such a question?
After 50 years, just let it be”
But Jack insisted and she said “ Well, just 3 occasions..."
"Oh no… when for goodness sake ?"
"When you wanted to start the business
And no bank would provide the stake
Remember, the bank manager came and signed
The loan papers, now do you see?
No questions asked?... Well..."
"Oh, Eva, you did that for me?
I respect you more than ever,
So when was number 2?"
"It was when you had the heart attack
And no surgeon would touch you...
Remember how Dr. Baker came all the way
Up here and saved your life
Well...." "Oh my god!! Eva,

You are such a wonderful wife...
And so my darling when was number 3?"
“Well, Jack, remember that time you sought
To be Leader of the Local Council
And you were fifty three votes short...."

Jon Bratton 2008
(My short funny rhyming poems are based on jokes by unknown persons)

More Wedding Anniversary Verses

What Should I Write in an Anniversary Card to my Very Old Spouse

2009-01-02T01:05:00.000-08:00

Image from http://insidelala.blogspot.com/2008/02/right-person.html

Old Love Poem

To husband from wife

When you were in your younger days,
And you were your svelte self,
Your belt was round your waist
Now it sits below your shelf.

Now that you're more mature,
Why not set your body free;
Seek the comfort of elastic
Where once your waist would be.

To wife from husband

When you were in your younger days,

You weighed a few pounds less,

You needn't hold your tummy in

To wear a belted dress.

But now that you are older,

You can set your body free;

There's the comfort of elastic

Where once your waist would be.

And how about those tights you wear

They're sized by weight, I see,

So that explains why the crotch

Is down below the knee

Universal ending

You now need to wear glasses
As the prints are getting smaller;
And it wasn't very long ago
I know that you were taller.

But though your hair has turned to grey
And your skin no longer fits,
On the inside, you're the same old you,
And I love you still, to bits.

By Jon Bratton 2005
but based on some sentiments by others, unknown

*****

When I said "I do", I didn't mean everything!!!

*****

Or I like this quote

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming 'WOW What a Ride!'" Author Unknown

Want to view more?

What should I write in an anniversary card?

Happy New Year poems, Quotes, Messages, Toasts

2008-12-31T03:34:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year

As I write this, in England, it is getting on for noon on New Year's Eve which means it's already the New Year in places east of Australia.

In one hour from now the fireworks will go off in Sydney.

This blog, hosted as it is by Google, is on Californian time so it's a long time for you guys to wait

If you came here looking for things to say at New Year for a card or a toast, I've written and gathered some verses, poems, quotes, messages for you

Let's start with this which I wrote moments ago

My New Year wish, this year for you

Is for your best year yet

A year where wants are very few,

But what you want, you get.

Here's some quotes

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one Year and out the other.

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.

Here's a toast

May all the dreams in your eyes,

all the desires in your heart and all

the hopes in your life blend together,

to give you the most spectacular

New Year ever.

...and a little ditty

The New Year lies before you

Like a spotless tract of snow

Be careful how you tread on it

For every mark will show.

~Author Unknown~

Here's Rabbie Burns' contibution

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!
Chorus:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
And surely ye'll be your pint stowp!
And surely I'll be mine!
And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
Chorus
We twa hae run about the braes,
And pou'd the gowans fine;
But we've wander'd mony a weary fit,
Sin' auld lang syne.
Chorus
We twa hae paidl'd in the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin' auld lang syne.
Chorus
And there's a hand, my trusty fere!
And gie's a hand o' thine!
And we'll tak a right gude-willie waught,
For auld lang syne.
Chorus

Here's Alfred Lord Tennyson contribution from his well-known poem, "In Memoriam"

Ring out the old, ring in the new,

Ring, happy bells, across the snow:

The year is going, let him go;

Ring out the false, ring in the true.

And that's it.

Wherever in the World you are, let me wish you a

Happy New Year!